THE GREAT GADFLY:

John, I'm Only Quizzing (Again)

1. If you died tomorrow who would you leave everything you own to?

I have three names for this answer, and I'd leave it to those three to divvy everything out between them and decide what's crap or not. I'm not as skeeved by the morbidity of this question as I am grossed out by the possibility of any of these three rifling through my underpants drawer. Eww.

2. Who is the one person that you could stand spending a straight 24 hours with and not get the slightest bit annoyed with?

I'm NOT going to answer with the obvious answer - my bestest gal-pal in the world, Ms. Renay - because we've already spent far too many 24 hour periods with each other, so there's nothing hypothetical in the least in such an answer. Plus, she annoys me to the Nth degree. On purpose. I'm sure I have many more 24 Hour torture sessions to come in my life. THAT said, my answer would be The Neener. He's really bad at being annoying.

3. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would you change (personality and looks)?

I would change the simple flaw that I am completely perfect in every possible way. I find that people with flaws have so much more character. I would like to know the pleasure of a blemish or a nervous breakdown. Even a case of shy bladder would center me. It's awfully hard being perfect, and an awesome responsibility to boot. But I must admit, being perfect sure is sexy.

4. What is the one thing you just have to do before you die?

I want to see Bali. I want to see Iceland. And I want to do one other thing, but I forget what that is right now.

5. If you won the lottery what would you do with your, let's say, 18 million dollars?

I would buy a laptop, I would acquire properties near the people I love, and I would probably do something stupid like start a magazine or a record label.

6. What do you want people to say about you when you die?

That guy could brew some coffee, man.

7. How long does it take you to get ready to go out?

I guess it depends on if I'm just going to a movie or if I'm going to a social function where someone's shaking a cosmetics bag under my nose and squonking, "pretty pretty!"

Either five minutes or as long as the tweaker police will allow.

8. What would you like to be reincarnated as?

A goat who lives on the side of a really big hill.

9. Do you make fun of your friends?

Aren't you supposed to?

10. Do you enjoy talking to your self?

I have to buy more egg noodles tonight. Next week's gonna be really lean. I'm so tired, I hope I can make it through my teevee stories tonight. Am I getting a cold? I want to see that new Missy Elliott video, where she's on the school bus. That's such a good album. I should get out the juicer this weekend, is what I should do. I wonder if I'll have good mail when I get home?

11. What's your biggest fear?

Losing my essence. Not to get all Alice Walker on yez or anything. But, yeah.

12. What would you have liked to be named?

I was gonna be named Trevor or Benjamin, but Dad wasn't having it. I like those names.

13. What's your most prized (material) possession?

Holy crap, I don't think I have one. Or if I do, I'm so used to it that I don't think of it as "prized" anymore.

14. What songs bring back the most memories?

ELO, 10cc, Jerry Rafferty, Alan Parsons Project. This is the soundtrack for a 7-year-old in the '70s.

15. What's the largest organ in the human body?

I once stuck an entire Kimball Electric Entertainer up my ass. Does that count? Those foot pedals sure hurt coming out, let me tell you.

16. Do you have a bar trick?

I've had many bar tricks. But you'll have to wait for the tell-all memoirs for that kind of trash talk.

17. Could a pack of wolves have done a better job raising you than your parents?

No.

Not unless the wolves were gay, Jewish intellectual spiritual gurus.

Even then.

18. What do you look for in the opposite sex?

I'm trying to come up with an answer that subverts the heterocentrism of this question, but the only responses I can come up with sound like bad Will & Grace punchlines. Though women with poor social skills and a charred sense of humor are my favorite people in the world.

19. If you were given one day to live what would you do?

Drugs.

No, I'd sit on an old rickety wooden chair and tell folksy stories about my life, most of which would probably make you a little bit glassy eyed and lumpy throated.

Who am I fooling? Drugs. And sex. Hot naked drug sex. With a troupe of dwarves. Marilyn Manson would be there too, walking around on those stilts of his.

21. What's your best physical feature?

I'm pretty happy with my lips, especially when it's morning and I'm still all puffy and I look a bit like I had plastic surgery. People pay good money to look like I do when I look like crap.

22. What's your summer job?

Part time bleacher-whore/tax-accountant.

23. What was the worst punishment your parents inflicted?

My mom got really mad at me once and tried to twist the arm off my Luke Skywalker doll to enrage me. She wasn't strong enough, so she wound up just cursing it and throwing it at the wall. Actually, that was my FAVORITE punishment. It was sheer art.

24. What have you learned about love?

That when it's true, it's really true. And when it's false, it's still kinda true.

25. How have you changed in the past year?

I've changed dramatically over the past year, and I think I'm still ripping my way out of the coccoon as I type this. So I'll hold off on a summary for the time being.

26. What's your way of escaping reality?

Residents albums, writing and a talent for daydreaming that others have mistaken for autism.

27. What hair problems have you had?

My hair is too thick and it grows like a weed. It's going grey like a muffukka, but I don't consider that problematic.

28. What's the most annoying thing people tell you about you?

"You're the artistic type."

"I figured you like music that's kind of, you know, alternative."

"Nobody can touch that whole...thing you do."

29. Have you met any celebrities?

Yeah. Thankfully I've yet to meet anyone whose work is radically important to me, because I'm afraid they'd probably be assholes and I'd behave like a buffoon in front of them anyway. It's best that I meet sublebrities, and legends whose gravity escapes me.