THE GREAT GADFLY:

Make Hair Appointments, Not War

With the threat of war growing ever more dreadfully ubiquitous, I find myself lost in an ever-increasing haze of rueful contemplation and snowballing worry. I'm sure everyone can relate. But while I contemplate how exactly I'm going to fit plastic sheeting over my picture windows and what kind of statement I can make with the bland silver of duct tape, the same nagging worries whittle their way back into my soul, over and over and over again. I might as well share what has me in such a twist, if for no other reason, in hopes of some kind of resigned closure to all my recent hand-wringing.

It's like this:

When war comes, what's going to happen to all the sexy people?

I'm worried about Heidi Klum in a world without product. Sarah Jessica Parker must be protected. If war breaks out and the integrity of Naomi Campbell's bikini area is compromised in any way, then the terrorists have already won. These are crazy times we're living in right now, and the last thing we need is to see Adrien Brody's pectorals tarnished.

The old saying is all too true: War is unhealthy for sexy people and other living things. We must take heed. Make no mistake. Remember John-John. He was sexy and he wouldn't want it this way.

Maybe a military conflict is the only option we have right now, and we're not simply a nation of pawns in the ultimate delusional power struggle. Or maybe not. Has anyone bothered to get Ben Affleck's views on the matter? Or Brad Pitt's? What about Selma Hayek? Must Selma be silenced in these uncertain times?!

Brandon Boyd has got something to say about this, and you better damn believe he's not wearing any underpants.

It's easy for us all to play our hawk-and-dove games, lazily hiding behind our spoon-fed dogma diets of conservatism and liberalism. But what about Brittany Murphy? This war will have a terrible effect on Gina Gershon, Lucky Venous and Apollonia, not to mention everyone involved in the "Girls Gone Wild!" franchise. I guess their needs just aren't as important or something.

There's not a lot of talk about tanning beds during a war. We need to change that reality, stat. I think it's in this nation's best interests to tan for peace, by any means necessary. There's no reason for any God-fearing American not to look good in a thong for his or her country. We're not kidding around so much now, as I'm sure you noticed from the headlines these days. We must show the world that the sexy must not, CAN not, be trampled.

There will be sexy with or without oil, terrorism, the United Nations, France or Laura Bush. Sexy cannot be eradicated. Sorry. Speak to the hand. Carmen Electra's hand, that is.

When the worst happens, it is important that we look good naked, have a full cupboard of Cristal, and have at least one Sasha and Digweed compilation available in our survival bunkers for those cabin fever moments when we don't know if anyone out there is even still alive. As we all know, everything's better when you have the option of slathering baby oil all over your body and shimmying like a chimp in heat to club music for hours on end.

It is not easy being the sexy. The sexy are often the first targets. We must always be mindful of the courage and sacrifice sexy people make for our world. With every spread in Maxim, with every E! late-night "Hot In Vegas" special, with every car show and fashion show, the sexy are out there promoting truth and freedom.

Some people do not know that freedom is sexy. This is their problem. Maybe we should send Iman and David Bowie to Iraq and they can straighten things out for the free world. Perhaps if Saddam Hussein were introduced to sarongs and distressed leather mules, he'd see things in a different light. Wouldn't you?

The bottom line is, I refuse to envision a world without sexy people, and these times are bringing me face to haggard face with such a possibility. We must protect the sexy. We must preserve the sexy. There is no other option, save the complete extinction of everything we once considered HOT.

Just think about it, is all I'm saying.

Don't tread on the sexy.