THE GREAT GADFLY:

"I AM DEVOID OF OBVIOUS PROBLEMS.
AND YOU CAN QUOTE ME ON THAT."

The dry skin. The bizarre behavior. The "winter belly". The donkey pie.

Dianne: Thanks for talking to me today, Gadfly. I know you've been besotted with a number of very public problems of late, and it's difficult for you to set aside the time to speak to the national media.

Gadfly: Oh, Dianne - uh. Wait. Oh. Ah. Uh. What was the question again? I didn't wrestle that hooker!

Dianne: Would you like a tissue?

Gadfly: What's that supposed to imply? That I have something to wipe?

Dianne: It's hard to deny the photographs of you wiping. Surely you've seen the pictures.

Gadfly: Oh, come on. Everyone wipes. Face wiping, ass wiping. Human beings wipe. Show me one person who doesn't wipe, and I'll show you a moist human being. And that's a fact.

Dianne: Perhaps a squeegee would be more appropriate?

Gadfly: Maybe a pat of my ass butter on an english muffin would be appropriate, Dianne. Would you like a nice, toasty ass muffin? How about that for an exclusive?

Dianne: The media, you know, they're saying you have a taste for donkey pie.

Gadfly: That's a bunch of hooey. A bunch of hooey. Hooey is what it is.

Dianne: A bunch of hooey?

Gadfly: Yeah, a bunch of it. Hooey.

Dianne: So you're telling me, right here and now - you don't like donkey pie?

Gadfly: Look. Donkey pie is cheap. I make too much money to even touch donkey pie.

Dianne: No you don't.

Gadfly: HEY. I don't eat donkey pie. Donkey pie is wack.

Dianne: So then, the next question is, naturally, how did you get so, well, let's face it - flabby?

Gadfly: What are you saying?

Dianne: Well, it's safe to say you're fat.

Gadfly: I'm 5'8" and 1,055 pounds. That's not fat. I gain and lose quickly. It's my metabolism. I am what I eat. And I recognize a healthy vegetarian diet.

Dianne: So you pick the slugs out of the branches before you devour a redwood tree?

Gadfly: You and I go way back, Dianne, so I won't call you a botoxed whore. But I AM NOT FAT.

Dianne: You're fat and your skin is falling off.

Gadfly: You mean beast, I'm seasonally affective! Where's my AVEENO?!

Dianne: Another Prime Time Live exclusive: The Great Gadfly slathering his scaley, flaking skin with a viscuous fluid.

Gadfly: DON'T LOOK AT ME, YOU BASTARDS! MORE QUESTIONS!

Dianne: When you arrived at this interview, you were lowered into your oversized futon by a helicoptor. And you're dressed in a dirty caftan.

Gadfly: So? What about you? How would you look in a dirty caftan, little miss Prime Time Live? Have you ever thought about THAT? Look at you and your stupid Gap crazy stripes. Let's see YOU try making a dirty caftan work.

Dianne: Fair enough.

Gadfly: Look. They say I spent $700,000 on pie. I WISH! Uh, I mean, I wish the pieman would, um, share the money with me that I supposedly spent on all the donkey pie that I'm not wasn't supposed to not eat. Not. Didn't. So then I could spend all that money on things that are not pie, like education and the arts.

Dianne: Do you have any addictions?

Gadfly: Oh holy crap, yes. I am addicted to...making love.

Dianne: That's beautiful.

Gadfly: And pie.

Dianne: AHA! You have a problem with donkey pie!

Gadfly: Just kidding! No pie eating here!

Dianne: Admit it. You're an eater!

Gadfly: Oh, no no no no no no no no no no. Maybe, Dianne, you're just a big ol' eater-hater. People who eat pie have feelings. Not that I would know, of course. But it's important to have compassion for people who can't say no to donkey pie. Except for me. Because I don't eat that kind of thing. Now, I've "partied" - I'll grant you that.

Dianne: Let me show you a picture from when you performed at the Rebbie "Centipede" Jackson Tribute Celebration:

Gadfly: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah. I was a little stressed out. And when I get stressed out, I dye my skin blue and rip off all my head skin to expose my skull.

Dianne: They had to digitally enhance the images of you to make you look THAT good. Does that bother you?

Gadfly: Hey, I look amazingly life-like. That's all that matters.

Dianne: Quick question - want some pie?

Gadfly: No.

Dianne: Yummy donkey pie?

Gadfly: No, I say.

Dianne: Pie?

Gadfly: No.

Dianne: Pie-pie?

Gadfly: No-no.

Dianne: ie-pay?

Gadfly: oh-nay.

Dianne: Look over there - pie!

Gadfly: WHERE?! I mean - aw, crap. CURSE YOU, DIANNE SAWYER!!!

Dianne: Heh heh heh...I'll be right back with a final thought after this brief message from Cho-Cha Shave.