THE GREAT GADFLY:

'Murkun Idle



Five minutes from now, in a galaxy far away but closer than we think...

Recently, our President had some trouble sleeping. He tossed and turned in his Presidential king sized bed, and although it was big enough for a Texan, it was not enough to bring him the comfort he needed. So he switched on the Presidential reading lamp on the nightstand that separated his bed from his wife's First Lady sized queen bed, and he sat up, rubbing his face in sleepless frustration. The light woke up his wife, and she propped herself up on one elbow and spoke:

"What's the matter, Bushy?" she mumbled.

"Oh, it's nothing" the President said. "Go back to sleep."

The First Lady scowled. "It's not nothing. You've been a grumpy gus ever since the war on Iraq settled down. Let's talk about it."

"It's just that...oh, I don't know," the President sighed. "I just don't think that the nation is as sufficiently polarized as it was when we were engaged in a full-on war effort. I miss the nationalistical frenzy, the "Don't Mess With The US" bumper stickers, the Toby Keith ballads. Quite frankly, I'm troubled."

"Why don't you give Tony Blair a call?" the First Lady suggested in a dreamy drone. "He always has such good ideas. You know how those English are."

"Mmmm," the President said, "maybe you're right."

"I always am," she said, and turned over to sleep.

So the President pulled on his robe and padded down to his Office and gave the Prime Minister a call.

"Hey, Tony? It's Bushy," the President drawled wearily.

"You sound like hell," the Prime Minister replied.

"Yeah, well, I can't sleep now that everyone thinks the war is done. These days, it's "X-Men" this and "'Murcun Idol" that, and I haven't seen a red white and blue crepe paper porch display in, well, WEEKS, quite frankly. I'd even perk up for a "No War For Oil" button pinned to a rainbow-knit tam. But no. Everyone seems disturbingly placated, and I don't like it one bit."

"And you think I may have a solution, do you?"

"Well, I thought you might have an idea or two up your sleeve."

There came a chuckle from the other end of the phone. The President replied with a dry cackle of his own.

"How about this, Mr. President - how about the White House begin a 'Blur vs. Oasis' campaign?"

"I'm afraid I don't know what you mean, Tony."

"Well, several years ago, we were absolutely divided as to which was a better pop band - Blur or Oasis. The craze often resulted in fisticuffs on our side of the water, but it never really caught fire in America. But now, with a little push, we could really get your people up in arms. You could come out in support of one of the bands, and the American people could subsequently polarize themselves and each other, simply by supporting one band or the other. It's quite a simple ploy, actually, really."

"Tony Blair, you are a genius! Except there might be a problem - wasn't there a row between the Gallagher brothers and George Harrison a while back? Something about one of the Oasis boys saying something bad about Harrison, then Harrison saying something bad about Oasis? Or did I dream that? Oh, now, see - that could be a problem."

"Why George W. Bush - I had no idea you were such a musicologist!"

"Well, I don't know about the medical side of these things, but I try to read the USA Today entertainment section when I have time. And I know one thing: Here in the U S of A, you don't mess with The Beatles!"

"Mr. President, you ARE aware that The Beatles were from Liverpool, aren't you?"

"That's RIGHT! You're a quick thinker, Mr. Tony Blair. Well, I like the name 'Oasis' more than I like the name 'Blur', anyway. It's got more syllables, which means more value at the end of the day. And look at all the vowels in that word - there's only two consonants, and it's the same letter twice! That is so cool. I will come out in support of Oasis, and publicly denounce Blur as un-'Murkan. Oh, thank you, Tony Blair - you have come to the aid of this nation once again!"

"Cheers."

"Well, I'm not drinking anything right now, but I might crack open a Neer Beer after this."

So after a bit more discussion with the Prime Minister, our President leased the "Blur vs. Oasis" craze from Tony Blair for a very competitive price. Then, after a few strategy meetings with White House Staff, the President went on national television to give a historic speech:

"My fellow 'Murkuns, I come before you today to address an issue that has our great nation split brutally in two. I have been advised that the people of this precious land have allowed themselves to grow miserably alienated from each other, due to differences in their allegiances to the bands Blur and Oasis. Make no mistake: we must come together in an attempt to avoid falling apart, or else we will suffer dark days divided in our blindness. I am aware that Mr. Damon Albarn and his lackeys would like you to buy the latest Blur release, entitled 'Think Tank', but we must hold fast to our principles as good, honest 'Murkans. I come to you today to request your support for Noel Gallagher and his brother, The Other Gallagher, otherwise known as Oasis. This is true, honest, 'Murkan music produced by the finest artists known to the United Kingdom, and we must rise up to express our support. Let me be perfectly clear: If you are not on the side of Oasis, then you with the Blurs. And that is a blow to the very democracy and ideals by which this nation was founded, and that is a fact. Look it up. Or, if you believe in the principles which guide this great country, simply take my word for it. I recently spoke with Reverend Billy Graham, and he shared these words with me. He said, "you know, George, 'Wonderwall' would have been good enough for Jesus Christ. But he would have passed on 'Coffee and TV'." I live by those words, ladies and gentlemen. I live by those words. And furthermore, it has come to my attention that Blur may be secretly harboring nucular weapons. Of mass destruction. So the choice is yours, 'Murka. You can either ask your neighbor "What's The Story, Morning Glory?" with pride and honor, or you can realize, along with these ruthless "Brit-pop" terrorists, that there is truly "No Distance Left To Run". I believe you will agree that the choice is simple. God Bless 'Murka, God Bless you, and GOD BLESS OASIS!"

The country went absolutely insane in a New York minute. Michael Moore put to the side his production of a documentary detailing the hidden relationship between the President and the bin Laden family, instead focusing his energies on a montage of embarrassing footage detailing the Gallagher brothers' numerous drunken rants and pub brawls, which he called "Little White Liams". Nobody understood the title, and when they finally did ("Liam" sounds kind of like "Lie", get it?), everybody agreed it wasn't a very clever pun. Despite the honors at Cannes, the film was ultimately a failure, simply by virtue of the crappy title alone.

Charleton Heston went public with the statement "I'll quit listening to 'Definitely Maybe' when they pry it out of my cold, dead hands." Media pundits started "The Blurs Are For Curs" campaign, sending Americans rushing to their dictionaries, and then to their bulldozers for Blur record burnings across the nation. One dutiful American was famously quoted as saying "a cur is a nasty dog, and that's what we think Blur is - a lowdown, nasty dog. And we're putting them to sleep, dammit. GOD BLESS OASIS!"

Susan Sarandon was immediately blacklisted when she said in an interview that she and life-partner Tim Robbins were spending summer in their very big house in the country, to which she later responded "isn't this just the pickle - looks like another Dune mini-series on the Sci-Fi Channel for me." She then pledged to avoid all words, "because there's none available."

Phil Donahue went before the public via cable television and posed the question, "where exactly does Pulp fit into all this? What about The London Suede?" He was ignored. Janeane Garofalo publicly stated that she would give up smoking until the ban on Blur records in the US was lifted. This did not go over very well, either, as rental copies of "The Truth About Cats and Dogs" and "The Matchmaker" were removed from video store shelves from coast to coast.

The nation was split between the Pro-Oasis citizens and the Blur-niks, many bold buttons were prominently affixed to many lapels, and many "God Bless Oasis" bandanas were wrapped around many necks of many golden retrievers from sea to shining sea. The French, meanwhile, defiantly opted to celebrate k.d. lang - nobody was quite sure why, and the French weren't telling. As a result, Americans started eating Oasis fries and Oasis toast, and American women began styling their hair in trendy Oasis braids. It was the American thing to do.

Meanwhile, the three remaining members of Blur decided to change the name of their band to The Allman Brothers, and learned how to play Southern-fried rock music. They grew beards and long hair, and watched taped re-runs of "The Dukes of Hazzard" obsessively, until they learned how to cop perfect good ol' boy American accents. They hired some ninjas to kidnap any surviving Allman brothers, and toured the USA extensively, releasing a hit album called "We're American As Hell Now!", which won many "Best Of The Year (Other Than Oasis)" critic's polls in US media publications.

The President thought this was just great until he was given a copy of a leading national tabloid, which featured a tell-all interview with Justine Frischmann, former lead singer of Brit pop band Elastica and ex-girlfriend of Blur frontman Damon Albarn. The story, "Give It Up, A**hole - You're More Cher Than Greg Allman", outed Blur as the faux Allman Brothers, and the real surviving members of the Allman Brothers Band were located by secret double agents and brought to freedom and much national championing.

America was confused and conflicted. "This is such a good Allman Brothers record," they exclaimed. "Yet now we must loathe it!" Many brows were furrowed across the land. The President was aware of the nation's confusion, and quickly brought together a contingency plan which would wrap up all the loose ends created by this shitstorm of controversy.

In a special report broadcast soon after the release of the Frischmann interview, the President reported with great confidence that Blur's headquarters had been decimated by American military, and the band was believed dead. "Democracy once again reigns supreme," said the President.

The nation was immediately soothed, and sales of Oasis albums declined dramatically as a result.

Incidentally, not long after this news, the world was happily shocked to learn that Swedish supergroup Abba had reformed, though there were only three of them rather than the original four, and the two female singers of the group looked a little mannish in their old age. Nobody seemed to take much notice of the Abba gals' big man hands, however, because it's difficult to pay attention to much else when you're shaking your ass to "Dancing Queen", you know what I mean?

Oasis was last seen photographed on the side of a box of Pop Tarts, advertising a free mail-in offer for their latest single, "To Hell With The US Anyway, You Ingrate Bitches". Very few copies of this single were ordered, and a representative for Kellogg's apologized publicly for their poor choice of mail-in offers, immediately switching the offer to that of a Goo Goo Dolls single which tunefully lamented the tragic reality of feline aneurysms. The song rushed to the top of the charts, making "Will Pussy Go To Heaven?" the first number one hit driven by sales of toaster pastries.

The following year, a singing Chihuahua named Scampyfeet won top honors on Fox TV's popular television series, "American Idol", capturing the hearts of the US with a stirring rendition of Patti LaBelle and Michael McDonald's ballad "On My Own". The singing dog's trademark, other than the novelty of being a singing dog, was the addition of a little blonde pageboy wig strapped to its trembling little Chihuahua head. "Let's just face facts - you can't go wrong with a singing dog in a funny wig," said "American Idol" co-judge Paula Abdul.

After a grueling election year, we then went to war against The New Axis Of Evil, which consisted of Canada, Iceland and all of Australia. But that's another story, and I don't want to talk about what happened to poor Olivia Newton John and Bjork as a result of this wildly aggressive war campaign. Though I will admit that I roll memories of Celine "Anthrax The Way It Is" Dion's dramatically-charged demise around in my mind as if it were a fine, fine wine.

President-Elect Scampyfeet was unavailable for comment.




2003-10-14 - Last Haiku
2003-10-09 - Don't Cry Out Loud
2003-10-09 - Sit Down, You're Making Me Nervous
2003-10-08 - I'm Sure Miss Thing, I'm Sure
2003-10-07 - Carbonated Water, Caramel Color, Aspartame

index
archives
profile
Uffish
Jonno
Kiera Bombshell
Wonderboy
Dogpoet
email
notes
design
host

chicago blogs