THE GREAT GADFLY:

Friday Jive

I am the saddest clown. Yes. The saddest of them all. Under the ruffles and the greasepaint, there is only tears and sorrow. I am the saddest clown. Today I have no bunnies or squirting flowers, only tears. No balloons, only sadness. My circus is the sideshow of pain and sorrow. WOE. Oh, I am the saddest clown in town, boo hoo.

1. What brand of toothpaste do you use?

I typically adhere to a strict �no tube� policy with toothpaste, because the concept of dispensers brings me great comfort for some reason, and toothpaste tubes start to look really trashy after a while. But I had to try this Aquafresh Extreme stuff, because it was advertised as unleashing a plague of cavity-fighting locusts in your mouth, and needless to say I found that a very attractive selling point. Plus it�s orange flavored and comes in a fancy iridescent tube. Each and every morning I unleash a storm of wrath and fury in my mouth, and as oral hellfire and hygienic damnation goes, it�s pretty darned minty and delicious!

2. What brand of toilet paper do you prefer?

I used to go cheap because I figured, �why spend big money on something you�re only gonna wipe your butt with anyway?� But then there was a special on the fancy stuff at my local grocery and I splurged, and they gave me a coupon for three bucks off my next purchase of the fancy stuff, and so then I got it again, and now every time I buy the fancy stuff, it�s cheaper than the ghetto 1-ply stuff, and they keep giving me more coupons. So whatever, I�m their little pavlovian butt slave I guess.

3. What brand(s) of shoes do you wear?

I don�t really like shoes. I mean, I�m okay with wearing them, I just don�t like shopping for them. Nothing bores me more than an ocean of shoes. There are only so many shapes in which you can craft a shoe. Only so many ways in which you can make a shoe unique. Some people get really freaked out about shoes. I think there�s a whole subculture of guys who are �cute shoe� guys. You know, the guy you see at work and you say, �hey - cute shoes!� That wouldn�t be me. I�m not a cute shoe guy. I would wear Kleenex boxes on my feet to work if I could get away with it. I bought me some shoes recently from a store called Flashy Trash, because they were having a 50% off sale and all the shoes were like $40 a pair - but I didn�t buy any �cute shoes�. They weren�t office appropriate, except for maybe the black Beatle boots I got. I don�t like shoes. I�m not a �cute shoes� guy. I need some brown shoes; this paucity in my life nags at me constantly.

4. What brand of soda do you drink?

My poison of choice is growing ever more elusive, and I fear it is being phased out of the marketplace. This is why I am aquainting myself with the pleasures of the RealLemon.

5. What brand of gum do you chew?

I think I�m more of a Minty Mack than a Gummy Gus. I have a pack of that IceBreaker stuff in my desk drawer at work, but it�s like chewing a stick of Crest so I only chew it when I know my breath is overly stank. Also, I�m afraid of being a chomper, a gum-popper, an open-mouth chewer. I think I was brought up better, but I�m getting older and my jaw is getting lazy in my doddering decrepitude, god damn it. Still, I would like to think I still have standards. Sitting next to someone on the subway who�s chewing their gum like some kind of cudslappin� cow can send me over the edge. Once I actually said to someone, �you know, if you chew that gum with your mouth shut, the flavor keeps longer!� I was trying to make it sound like a friendly pointer, but I think they got the real point, because they gave me a steaming hot cup of scowl, got up, and sat very far away from me.

On an end note, I�d like to mention that Adult. has a new album out called ANXIETY ALWAYS. It�s very good, though it�s way too short. It has a song where the singer goes �nyah-nah-nah� a lot, and I really enjoy that kind of thing.