THE GREAT GADFLY:

The Ol' Nod And Smile

I think I want Puddle of Mudd to play at my birthday party this summer. Not because I like them or anything, but rather because I want to get really drunk and bum rush the stage and de-pants the live entertainment without feeling any regrets about it the next day. I've been putting some thought into this idea, and I really think Puddle of Mudd is the way to go. Or at least a Puddle of Mudd tribute band. Maybe I should start one. I can grow my hair into a skater-mullet and start wearing a backwards baseball cap. HOTT.

People who use the word "gifting" creep me out. People who talk about it like it's some kind of hobby are even creepier - "I've been gifting on a regular basis for twenty years." GROSS!!! Really, anyone who makes a habit of turning nouns into verbs skeeves my ass into the next dimension. Next thing you know, people are going to start talking about booking reads, fooding eats, and toileting on the pee-thing. George Orwell, you bastard, look what you started!!!

Or maybe I should blame Dr. Seuss. Or Martha Stewart. Oh, who isn't guilty of SOMETHING these days?

I was actually thinking of having a hazing party for my birthday this year. I'm hoping Parker Posey shows up. Everyone would have to bring an dirty cardboard box (or a used mop bucket will suffice), a can of whipped cream and some Bud Light, which we can use to violently show each other some what-for. This might sound unpleasant, but trust me - it will ultimately bring us closer together in a holy bond of punishment, humiliation and sisterhood. And bring chips, you little bitches!!!

Meanwhile, I've been thinking of getting a pet. Either a cat, a chihuahua, or a monkey. A monkey would be great, because it would destroy everything I own and fling its feces on the walls, and if I'm lucky I can train it to flip me the finger when I come home from work. That would be adorable. On the other end of the spectrum, I could get a chihuahua and it would just sit in the corner and shiver all the time, in its embarrassing little knit body sweater. It would be like a little canine version of me. Ewww. Maybe a cat, then. I'll work my way up to this responsibility. I will buy a rock garden this weekend and see how responsible I am able to be with such an investment of time and caring. Then I will move up to caring for a stalk of celery in a glass of water. Then, maybe - a cat. Or sea monkeys.

I just recently bought a rack for my DVDs, and I'm still trying to adjust to this change in my surroundings. I have to pace myself.

I should be getting the DVD rack in the mail in about a week.

I sat behind a woman on the way to work this morning who reeked of cigarettes and strawberries. I wanted to scratch and sniff her, but she wasn't a chemically treated sticker. She was a human being. But I still had wants.

Which reminds me of a little ditty my grandfather used to sing to me. But I'll keep it to myself.

Well, what else can I tell ya today.

Monkey diapers!!!