THE GREAT GADFLY:

Ten Crappy Movies



Technically, there are more than ten movies on this list. But if that really bothers you...I guess I just don't know what to tell you.

1. That one Jaglom movie where he plays himself and he's casting a romantic female lead for a movie but what he's really doing is auditioning potential new girlfriends - This movie grossed me out so much I went out and sat in the lobby while my friends finished watching it. I think I was in a bad mood anyway that day, so I probably judged it a little harshly. But it still sucked.

2. Godzilla - The one Godzilla movie with Matthew Broderick, that is. What was going on there? What was that crap?

3. Graffiti Bridge - I liked it because Prince's hair was so long and fluffy, and he wore some really snappy over-the-shoulder outfits. Otherwise, it was like watching a poorly shot movie about marshmallow peeps. Actually, a movie about marshmallow peeps would be pretty cool, especially if they used Prince music in it. I'd see that.

4. Barb Wire - I thought it would be "Showgirls" bad, which as many of you know, is actually really good. But it turned out to be, like, "Emergency Broadcast System: This Is Only A Test" bad, which is, yes, actually pretty bad.

5. The past couple of Star Wars movies - Yet, my geek ass will be right back in the movie seat for another one.

6. Anger Management - Don't judge me, it wasn't my choice. Sometimes you have to put a leash on your inner Cecil B. DeMented for the sake of your family.

7. Contact - Contender for Worst Misuse Of Angela Bassett In A Movie...unless she was supposed to be one of the aliens, coming from Planet Sexxxy to invade the earth with her big, voluptuous muscle arms.

8. Signs - Like "Contact", this is another alien invasion movie that thinks it's cute to be stingy with the little green men. "Less is more" my galactic ass - it's just plain cheap, is all it is. And when ya finally get to the interplanetary money shot, the alien looks like something that would be working the fry vats at Hardee's for van money for that big trip to Camp Mariah. (I know I wrote it, but I don't know what that means, either.) At least those crappy Star Wars movies have cool damn aliens in them, shit.

9. Those Damn Spalding Gray Movies Where He JUST WON'T SHUT UP - "...so there I was, perched on the porcelain shrine, ready to go on about my business, and it occurred to me that in order to walk away from this perch, it would be necessary to engage in a series of wiping motions against that part of my anatomy which Sarte once called 'the unholy brown-eye'. Sadly, our housekeeper hadn't given thought to replenishing our supply of Angel Soft, so I was faced with a conundrum that was worthy of Euripides: how to cleanse this portal without the proper resources? I spent hours sitting on the porcelain shrine, contemplating this riddle. Then I realized, it was one of those zen things, like when the elephant crushes the phone, yet it still rings. Susan Sarandon once said something very wise to me..."

10. Pulp Fiction - Oh, I just wanted to put one film on this list that's arguably good, though I still hated this movie. Maybe "hate" is a little extreme. There were aspects of the movie I liked. It was, however, the beginning of a passionate hate affair with Quentin Tarantino which flourishes to this day. It's so smug, I want to buy a copy of this on videocassette just so I can slap it every once in a while, and say "you smug-ass movie. You aren't so special, you know." Sometimes I can be a hater. Yes, it's true.


2003-10-14 - Last Haiku
2003-10-09 - Don't Cry Out Loud
2003-10-09 - Sit Down, You're Making Me Nervous
2003-10-08 - I'm Sure Miss Thing, I'm Sure
2003-10-07 - Carbonated Water, Caramel Color, Aspartame

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