THE GREAT GADFLY: A Double Spaced List Of Seven Things I Hate And Three Used CDs I always like the possibility of alienating new people in my readership, so here's a list of things that I can do without. I was hoping to come up with a list of ten things I hate, but apparently I'm not quite as bilious this week as I'd originally thought, so I rounded out the list with some used CDs I bought over the weekend, which I really don't hate at all. In fact, I like them. Confusing? Nah. I just like to keep the kids on their toes, is all. And why the double spacing? No reason. No reason at all. 1. PowerPoint Presentations. "I want to impose my crappy clip-art collection on a bunch of bored, unmotivated employees, but I'd like to find a way to do it with awkward synchronization and really bad animation. What ever am I to do?" PowerPoint to the rescue!!!! I can't believe how this program flourishes, especially in professional life. Nothing says DULL, DATED and LOOKIT ME, I KNOW HOWS TA RUN ME A COMPOOTRAH! worse than a PowerPoint presentation. For God's sake, opt for the hand-outs. 2. American Idol. Look at those chumps. When did kids start aspiring to look and sound so UNCOOL? Is it, like, the "thing" these days to look like a sexually-available Alamo tour guide at an Amy Grant concert? When a pop culture craze is responsible for bringing back Paula Abdul, I'm sorry, that's a red flag right there. Some of you people might champion the poor lass, but some of us remember her filthy liasons with animated rapper MC SKAT KAT all too well. Paula aside (please), I don't know how some of you people can watch that show - I'm in awe of your tenacity and fortitude. I mean, there's only so much Diane Warren and Peabo Bryson soft-rock I can take in one setting before I break out in hives and go online to start pricing jackhammers. I only ever catch the last three minutes of this unholy gobfest while I'm waiting for my glorious weekly dose of people hacking each other to bits on 24, and even THAT petite peek of the American Idle is more than I can bear. And who's that gross little man who hosts the show? HE'S A NASTY STANK-ASS BRIGHT ORANGE TROLL WHO NEEDS TO LAY OFF THE TANNING LOTION, IS WHAT HE IS. I mean, for goodness sake. Am I missing a segment in the middle of this show where the contest stops and there's three minutes of ultrakool techno-rave gay Amish robot porn? I mean, there's got to be some attraction to this show that I'm missing. That, or my access to Hell is growing ever more frighteningly convenient. 3. Being Sick. Holy crap, I've been sick for over two weeks. TWO WEEKS! I think part of it is because I've been on the road so much. Easter weekend I had my fabutastical, Cremasteriffic trip to NYC; the weekend after that I hopped on a plane to visit my moms in The Land That Time Forgot; last weekend I hauled my ass back on to a plane for a luxURious visit with these guys in OHIO; and then this coming weekend it's back on a plane yet AGAIN to return to The Land That Time Forgot once more, this time to celebrate Mama's Day. That would be four plane trips over four weeks. Now, I know. Rock stars and business execs hop planes four times a DAY. But dammit, I don't...and after this little rash of travel, I shan't. But, you know, ya can't tell me what's best for me when my mind is set on a thing - it was a rough winter, I was feeling some crazy stir fever, and I decided I needed to get out of town as much as humanly possible. I was getting dreadfully behind in my mother-visits quota, I hadn't seen my friends out east in over a year, and after a season locked in the Windy City, my diet pills were WEARING OFF. And now, into week three of this four-week goodwill tour, I've missed two days of work, I've emptied a bottle of NyQuil (I'm working on clearing a bottle of Pepto now), and I get to hear people at my job make lame SARS jokes at my expense. Whee. The BEST part of all this is, I've gotten a bug that's made its way through every part of my body - you name it, I've suffered from it. It's been a veritable smorgasbord of maladies over the past few weeks. I even blacked out once! That was lots of fun. I usually get over colds and flus in a coupla days or so, but this has been a special treat. I guess I should be getting to a doctor, but the doc I have is one I randomly picked from a list when my work insurance kicked in, and I have a horrible irrational fear that he'll be some trembling old crank who reaks of tobacco and gin, and has a nose like W.C. Fields. I tend to pick out some sorry-ass doctors. My favorite is the one who wouldn't examine me until I told her what I "thought" was wrong with me. "I don't know," I responded, "that's why I'm here - I don't KNOW what's wrong." She gave me a tut-tut look. "Well, we've gone over your symptoms," she replied wearily, "so you tell me. What's wrong with you?" She was a treat. She wound up telling me I had lyme disease. It was, erm, the middle of winter in New York City. I sought a second opinion at the free clinic at the NYC queer center - I didn't have lyme disease. I had what is commonly known as good ol' fashioned "burn-out". Anyway. Just so you know - I'm not scared of doctors. I'm scared of BAD doctors. 4. Talking About Politics. I've decided that at least until the next presidential election, I'm going to be a faux conservative. I just think it would be fun, is all. And if I can fool a few folks into thinking I'm a staunch, flag-waving Republican, who knows what my new faux-cred will get me? Heh. Kidding. But I'm not kidding about exploring the faux-conservative thing, if only for the performance art aspect of it. I know I'm not the only person burnt out on the constant us-or-them-ism experienced during this year's "war" - quite frankly, both sides of the fence griped my ass quite thoroughly. After all that mess, how can anyone be expected to take politics with an ounce of sincerity these days? They're making gold plated stealth bomber collector pins! Even worse, have you heard the crappy "protest song" out there by none other than Tommy Hilfiger pitchman Lenny Kravitz? It's all too much. So I'm going to channel my inner Norman Lear and let the Archie Bunker within me flow free like a toxic waste dump. I think it'll make me sexier, pretending to be pro-whatever-it-is-conservatives-are-into-these-days. Books? Burning books? Is that the new sexy right wing thing right now? That's cool. I can hang with that. (See? I'm a natural!) Right wing attitudes have always been repugnant to me in the past, but I've always thought a good, staunch conservative would be really good in the sack because they're not all gooshy and sensitive like lotsa liberals are, and they'd probably leave battle scars on their mates to mark their territory. GUNS, GUTS AND ROSES!!! THESE COLORS AREN'T RUNNY BECAUSE THEY ARE PAINTED IN OIL!!! CHICKEN TRACKS DON'T BLEED!!! MY COLD DEAD HANDS SALUTE YOUR GUNS!!!! Oh, I think I will make a good make-pretend conservative. If I don't get too bored with it, anyway... 5. Madonna's Trifling Ass. I honestly don't think I need to go into this. All I can say is, Courtney Love is reported to have recorded a cover of "Bette Davis Eyes" for her upcoming solo debut album. I'm saving my energy for some TRUE American Living, where the FUN is shamelessly put back into "dysfunctional". And if I want good ol' fashioned, blue-eyed soul singin', woe-is-me-I'm-a-diva, homolicious song stylings, there's always that new Annie Lennox album right around the corner... 6. Barney Fifes. People who are given a little bit of authority and don't deserve it are probably the people who will have the best spots in Hell. I have a theory that those who are least fit but most desiring of an authority position are the ones who are most likely to be hired into middle management. And those who are too obnoxious for middle management probably wind up as store security guards or rent-a-cops. Now, don't get me wrong - I've met some amazingly cool security guards and I've worked for some superb middle managers. But more often than not, people with compensation issues rule these roosts, and I don't have time to symbolically mourn someone's metaphorical (or otherwise) teeny-weenie when I have real work to do. Sorry, Barn. 7. Madonna's Trifling Ass. Oh, wait. I already did this one. Sorry about that... 8. Kahimi Karie's First Album. No, wait, don't go clicking for my guestbook, I DON'T HATE HER!!! I just ran out of things I hate - or at least, I ran out of bile - and so I'm ending this list with cool music I bought over the weekend for cheap. I love Kahimi's second album, "KKKKK", and I've been wanting to pick up her first disc, though I've always only seen it as an import and I don't like her enough to pay $20.00 for an hour or so of breathy frothy French pop. This weekend during my trip to Ohio, I found this album at a college used-wrecka stow for FIVE BUCKS. It was worth at least five smackers - it's peppy and chic without getting too precious, and hey! Beck plays harmonica on it. If ya never heard of Kahimi Karie, get her second album first - it's far more interesting (and she has a song about Harmony Korine on it), but her first album is nothing to sneeze at. 9. BS2000 - Simply Mortified This is a Beastie Boys side-project album featuring Adam Horowitz that I've put off getting for a long time, and bought over the weekend, once again for five dollars, STILL IN ITS SHRINKWRAP. I haven't listened to this one yet, but WHEE!!! all the same, even if it sucks. 10. That One Flaming Lips Album With The "She Don't Use Jelly" Song On It. Actually, this one bought this for me at our crazy cheep campus wrecka stow excursion, which was arfully nice of him. I haven't listened to this one yet either, but hooray for music I own and haven't heard yet. WHEE!!!!
2003-10-14 - Last Haiku 2003-10-09 - Don't Cry Out Loud 2003-10-09 - Sit Down, You're Making Me Nervous 2003-10-08 - I'm Sure Miss Thing, I'm Sure 2003-10-07 - Carbonated Water, Caramel Color, Aspartame
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