THE GREAT GADFLY:

A Double Spaced List Of Seven Things I Hate And Three Used CDs



I always like the possibility of alienating new

people in my readership, so here's a list of things

that I can do without. I was hoping to come up with a

list of ten things I hate, but apparently I'm not quite

as bilious this week as I'd originally thought, so I

rounded out the list with some used CDs I bought over

the weekend, which I really don't hate at all. In fact,

I like them. Confusing? Nah. I just like to keep the

kids on their toes, is all.

And why the double spacing?

No reason. No reason at all.

1. PowerPoint Presentations. "I want to impose

my crappy clip-art collection on a bunch of bored,

unmotivated employees, but I'd like to find a way to do

it with awkward synchronization and really bad

animation. What ever am I to do?" PowerPoint to the

rescue!!!! I can't believe how this program flourishes,

especially in professional life. Nothing says DULL,

DATED and LOOKIT ME, I KNOW HOWS TA RUN ME A

COMPOOTRAH! worse than a PowerPoint presentation. For

God's sake, opt for the hand-outs.

2. American Idol. Look at those chumps. When did

kids start aspiring to look and sound so UNCOOL? Is it,

like, the "thing" these days to look like a

sexually-available Alamo tour guide at an Amy Grant

concert? When a pop culture craze is responsible for

bringing back Paula Abdul, I'm sorry, that's a red flag

right there. Some of you people might champion the poor

lass, but some of us remember her filthy liasons with

animated rapper MC SKAT KAT all too well. Paula aside

(please), I don't know how some of you people

can watch that show - I'm in awe of your tenacity and

fortitude. I mean, there's only so much Diane Warren

and Peabo Bryson soft-rock I can take in one setting

before I break out in hives and go online to start

pricing jackhammers. I only ever catch the last three

minutes of this unholy gobfest while I'm waiting for my

glorious weekly dose of people hacking each other to

bits on 24, and even THAT petite peek of the

American Idle is more than I can bear. And who's that

gross little man who hosts the show? HE'S A NASTY

STANK-ASS BRIGHT ORANGE TROLL WHO NEEDS TO LAY OFF THE

TANNING LOTION, IS WHAT HE IS. I mean, for goodness

sake. Am I missing a segment in the middle of this

show where the contest stops and there's three minutes

of ultrakool techno-rave gay Amish robot porn? I mean,

there's got to be some attraction to this show that I'm

missing. That, or my access to Hell is growing ever

more frighteningly convenient.

3. Being Sick. Holy crap, I've been sick for

over two weeks. TWO WEEKS! I think part of it is

because I've been on the road so much. Easter weekend I

had my fabutastical, Cremasteriffic trip to NYC; the weekend after

that I hopped on a plane to visit my moms in The Land

That Time Forgot; last weekend I hauled my ass back on

to a plane for a luxURious visit with these guys in OHIO; and then

this coming weekend it's back on a plane yet AGAIN to

return to The Land That Time Forgot once more, this

time to celebrate Mama's Day. That would be four plane

trips over four weeks. Now, I know. Rock stars and

business execs hop planes four times a DAY. But dammit,

I don't...and after this little rash of travel, I

shan't. But, you know, ya can't tell me what's best for

me when my mind is set on a thing - it was a rough

winter, I was feeling some crazy stir fever, and I

decided I needed to get out of town as much as humanly

possible. I was getting dreadfully behind in my

mother-visits quota, I hadn't seen my friends out east

in over a year, and after a season locked in the Windy

City, my diet pills were WEARING OFF. And now, into

week three of this four-week goodwill tour, I've missed

two days of work, I've emptied a bottle of NyQuil (I'm

working on clearing a bottle of Pepto now), and I get

to hear people at my job make lame SARS jokes at my

expense. Whee. The BEST part of all this is, I've

gotten a bug that's made its way through every part of

my body - you name it, I've suffered from it. It's been

a veritable smorgasbord of maladies over the past few

weeks. I even blacked out once! That was lots of fun. I

usually get over colds and flus in a coupla days or so,

but this has been a special treat. I guess I should be

getting to a doctor, but the doc I have is one I

randomly picked from a list when my work insurance

kicked in, and I have a horrible irrational fear that

he'll be some trembling old crank who reaks of tobacco

and gin, and has a nose like W.C. Fields. I tend to

pick out some sorry-ass doctors. My favorite is the one

who wouldn't examine me until I told her what I

"thought" was wrong with me. "I don't know," I

responded, "that's why I'm here - I don't KNOW what's

wrong." She gave me a tut-tut look. "Well, we've gone

over your symptoms," she replied wearily, "so you tell

me. What's wrong with you?" She was a treat. She wound

up telling me I had lyme disease. It was, erm, the

middle of winter in New York City. I sought a second

opinion at the free clinic at the NYC queer center - I

didn't have lyme disease. I had what is commonly known

as good ol' fashioned "burn-out". Anyway. Just so you

know - I'm not scared of doctors. I'm scared of BAD

doctors.

4. Talking About Politics. I've decided that at

least until the next presidential election, I'm going

to be a faux conservative. I just think it would be

fun, is all. And if I can fool a few folks into

thinking I'm a staunch, flag-waving Republican, who

knows what my new faux-cred will get me? Heh. Kidding.

But I'm not kidding about exploring the

faux-conservative thing, if only for the performance

art aspect of it. I know I'm not the only person burnt

out on the constant us-or-them-ism experienced during

this year's "war" - quite frankly, both sides of the

fence griped my ass quite thoroughly. After all that

mess, how can anyone be expected to take politics with

an ounce of sincerity these days? They're making gold

plated stealth bomber collector pins! Even worse, have

you heard the crappy "protest song" out there by none

other than Tommy Hilfiger pitchman Lenny Kravitz? It's

all too much. So I'm going to channel my inner Norman

Lear and let the Archie Bunker within me flow free like

a toxic waste dump. I think it'll make me sexier,

pretending to be

pro-whatever-it-is-conservatives-are-into-these-days.

Books? Burning books? Is that the new sexy right wing

thing right now? That's cool. I can hang with that.

(See? I'm a natural!) Right wing attitudes have always

been repugnant to me in the past, but I've always

thought a good, staunch conservative would be really

good in the sack because they're not all gooshy and

sensitive like lotsa liberals are, and they'd probably

leave battle scars on their mates to mark their

territory. GUNS, GUTS AND ROSES!!! THESE COLORS AREN'T

RUNNY BECAUSE THEY ARE PAINTED IN OIL!!! CHICKEN TRACKS

DON'T BLEED!!! MY COLD DEAD HANDS SALUTE YOUR GUNS!!!!

Oh, I think I will make a good make-pretend

conservative. If I don't get too bored with it,

anyway...

5. Madonna's Trifling Ass. I honestly don't

think I need to go into this. All I can say is,

Courtney Love is reported to have recorded a cover of

"Bette Davis Eyes" for her upcoming solo debut album.

I'm saving my energy for some TRUE American Living,

where the FUN is shamelessly put back into

"dysfunctional". And if I want good ol' fashioned,

blue-eyed soul singin', woe-is-me-I'm-a-diva,

homolicious song stylings, there's always that new

Annie Lennox album right around the corner...

6. Barney Fifes. People who are given a little

bit of authority and don't deserve it are probably the

people who will have the best spots in Hell. I have a

theory that those who are least fit but most desiring

of an authority position are the ones who are most

likely to be hired into middle management. And those

who are too obnoxious for middle management probably

wind up as store security guards or rent-a-cops. Now,

don't get me wrong - I've met some amazingly cool

security guards and I've worked for some superb middle

managers. But more often than not, people with

compensation issues rule these roosts, and I don't have

time to symbolically mourn someone's metaphorical (or

otherwise) teeny-weenie when I have real work to do.

Sorry, Barn.

7. Madonna's Trifling Ass. Oh, wait. I already

did this one. Sorry about that...

8. Kahimi Karie's First Album. No, wait, don't

go clicking for my guestbook, I DON'T HATE HER!!! I

just ran out of things I hate - or at least, I ran out

of bile - and so I'm ending this list with cool music I

bought over the weekend for cheap. I love Kahimi's

second album, "KKKKK", and I've been wanting to pick up

her first disc, though I've always only seen it as an

import and I don't like her enough to pay $20.00 for an

hour or so of breathy frothy French pop. This weekend

during my trip to Ohio, I found this album at a college

used-wrecka stow for FIVE BUCKS. It was worth at least

five smackers - it's peppy and chic without getting too

precious, and hey! Beck plays harmonica on it. If ya

never heard of Kahimi Karie, get her second album first

- it's far more interesting (and she has a song about

Harmony Korine on it), but her first album is nothing

to sneeze at.

9. BS2000 - Simply Mortified This is a Beastie

Boys side-project album featuring Adam Horowitz that

I've put off getting for a long time, and bought over

the weekend, once again for five dollars, STILL IN ITS

SHRINKWRAP. I haven't listened to this one yet, but

WHEE!!! all the same, even if it sucks.

10. That One Flaming Lips Album With The "She Don't

Use Jelly" Song On It. Actually, this one bought

this for me at our crazy cheep campus wrecka stow

excursion, which was arfully nice of him. I haven't

listened to this one yet either, but hooray for music I

own and haven't heard yet. WHEE!!!!


2003-10-14 - Last Haiku
2003-10-09 - Don't Cry Out Loud
2003-10-09 - Sit Down, You're Making Me Nervous
2003-10-08 - I'm Sure Miss Thing, I'm Sure
2003-10-07 - Carbonated Water, Caramel Color, Aspartame

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