THE GREAT GADFLY:

That Filthy Five, They Did Nothing To Challenge Or Resist...

You know the drill...

1. Who is your favorite celebrity?

I don't like these questions. What's a celebrity anymore? Some schmoe from a reality TV program who goes on dates w/ guys in Power Ranger masks? If that's the case, then my favorite celebrity is the lady with the blonde mullet who got caught making out with another guy in a parking lot on Cheaters last week and, upon confrontation, got in the host's face and screamed

"FAWK YEW, FAWK YER CAMERA CREW, AND WHOEVER'S OUT THERE WATCHING THIS, FAWK YEW TEW!!!!" She is my favorite celebrity. Except for the fact that she cheated on her hot Eminem wannabe boyfriend by swapping spit in the back of a Honda Civic with a guy who looked like Dom DeLuise. GROSS!

2. Who is your least favorite?

I don't think we need to get into that right now.

3. Have you ever met or seen any celebrities in real life?

Yeah. I have stories, but they're all silly. After living in New York a few years, I got used to running into celebrities on the street and after a while, it was just like running into some popular guy at school or something. I mean, really - what do I have to say to Willem Dafoe? Love his acting. He chooses great movies. But when he's biking down Canal Street, all one can really do is say, "yup - that's Willem Dafoe on a bike." One night I was really drunk and walking around in the East Village and I ran into Diamanda Galas, and I got up the nerve to tell her I loved her and she grabbed my face in her big scary hand and kissed me on the mouth. And I'm still alive. Once I saw Laurie Anderson walking down the street and I wanted to tell her I loved her too (because, you know, I do), but she was with Lou Reed and while he might have grabbed my face, I don't think he would have kissed me. So I left well enough alone.

4. Would you want to be famous? Why or why not?

I really only want to be famous enough to a) travel a lot, and b) have an entourage. I don't think that's asking too much. Famous people get free things in the mail all the time. They get gift bags. I want gift bags. I really don't care about the money - I just want the SWAG, baby.

5. If you had to trade places with a celebrity for a day, who would you choose and why?

Clearly I'd be America's Sweetheart herself, Courtney Love. I could get as trashed and behave as horribly as I wanted, and at the end of the day revert to my own person without feeling guilty about any damage done.

...and now that we have THAT out of the way, why don't you check out something that's actually important? Read it and weep...lord knows I almost did. Dang.