THE GREAT GADFLY:

Smells Like Friday Five

Okay, so that was THREE pictures of Dolly Parton. But it was the same image, so, like, shut up.

1. What was the first band you saw in concert?

I was a lucky boy. My mama took me to see Prince & the Revolution's Purple Rain tour (with opening act Sheila E.) on April 1st, 1985. I was hoarse by the time Ms. Escovedo was done browsing in the section marked "you have to ask, you can't afford it" lingerie. I didn't get my voice back for three days after that show, I hooted and screamed so much. Thanks, ma.

2. Who is your favorite artist/band now?

I'm rediscovering Gerty Molzen, who I'm sure is dead now, but in the '80s was a septugenarian punk rock cabaret performer from Germany. She had a very distinctive sound.

3. What's your favorite song?

This is a question I'll never be able to answer. Today, it's a tie between "Kool Thing" and "Disappearer" from Sonic Youth's Goo album. Though whenever I hear Mama Cass singing "Dream A Little Dream Of Me", I coo like a little bird.

4. If you could play any instrument, what would it be?

I used to be able to play drums, cuz my ma was a rawk drummer during her wild youth and I grew up with a drum set in the dining room, and we'd take turns putting records on the HiFi and playing drums along to them. My favorite albums to play drums to were Jimi Hendrix' "Are You Experienced?" and The Beatles' "Revolver". My mom was into some crazy Zappa/Rundgren shit. I don't know if I was any good, but mama could rock the house. Literally.

I'd really like to know how to play acoustic guitar, but I harbor serious doubts that I have the aptitude for it. Then again, I look at some of the goons in big successful rock bands and think twice. As a friend once said: If Jewel can do it, YOU certainly can.

5. If you could meet any musical icon (past or present), who would it be and why?

I don't think I'd want to meet anyone I really, really like. If they were a big rock star butthole to me, I'd feel like I wasted money on all those albums and posters and pins and bandanas and carnival mirrors and and and...

What was the question again?

I would like to go shopping for shoes and wine with David Bowie, cuz they're things I'm really bad at picking out. I want to get a Hollywood Wax with Courtney Love. I'd like to make a casserole with Bjork. As for someone I'd actually like to sit down and talk to, I would imagine an hour's chat with Johnny Cash would be modestly life-altering.

I would like to make a pie for Beck.

Sweet dreams.