THE GREAT GADFLY:

Gladys Kravitzes Of The World, Unite!

I'm a big fan of the word "biddy" today. Does anyone use this word anymore, or is it just kept alive by my mom, De La Soul and me?

I think I would like to BE a biddy. I want to be a bitter, scheming busybody and impose my own ongoing hysteria on anyone who crosses my path. I think that's a good goal for me to work toward this year.

I think being a biddy is like being a Jedi. You have to train your entire life for it, and then one day, you find that you have an entire arsenal of biddy powers at your command. In fact, wasn't the Emperor not only an evil Jedi master, but also a tore up ol' biddy to boot?

I need to work on the perfect scowl to shoot at passersby as I trundle my cancers down to the Walgreens for a rusty, manhandled clearance-bin tube of Preparation H. After all, what good is a ol' biddy who doesn't always have a hot, steaming cup of scowl at the ready? No good at all, is what I'm saying.

And by the way....don't think I'm unaware of what you did, and don't think I'm not going to tell everyone. Now GET OUT OF MY YARD.

Yes, I'm going to put a lot of thought into my future as a biddy.