THE GREAT GADFLY:

The Torture Never Stops



I think we need a news network that reports current events around the clock, but from the point of view of Michael Jackson. Clearly, as evidenced by this week's television programming, we must keep tabs of Michael's comings and goings at all times. It is very important that we have a steady stream of "experts" to provide commentary on Mr. Jackson, each with her or her own unique interpretation of "he's insane".

I think we need a little oval in the corner of the TV with Michael himself in it, which can accompany all television shows at all times, and he can offer a running commentary while we watch our favorite television shows. For example, while I watch the latest hyper-violent installment of "24" tonight, it would be as if Michael was in the room watching with me. "I don't like this show," he'd say. "It's too violent. I would never let the children watch this. It would make the monkeys violent too. Monkeys are great. They are like children because they have so much wonder in their eyes. But monkeys aren't children. They are too silly. Can we watch Cartoon Network? Please? Even if I buy your TV from you?"

We must constantly be mindful of Michael Jackson, for he may be realizing his insidious plans where you live. For all you know, his brood could be incubating in your chest as you read these words. You never know. That's why we have PrimeTime Live. Keeps us safe.

Que es mas macho - the granddaddy of all urban myths known throughout the ages as The Golem, or that crazy old lady down the street with crayon red hair and a penchant for screaming vulgarities as she shakes her cane angrily out the front window? Well, you no longer have to choose between the two, because with Michael Jackson we have the best of both worlds! With today's technology, it's possible to recreate Michael Jackson in the comfort of your very own home in his very own display box with on/off switch, a la Jambi from Pee Wee's Playhouse! "Surgical mask? Did somebody say 'surgical mask'??"

What we need to do is find a way to project images of Michael Jackson into the sky, onto the sides of buildings, and if possible, into our indoor lighting and drinking water. On a sunny day, we should be able to see little tiny Michael Jackson particles floating through the rays of sunlight beaming through our windows. We must schedule a yearly holiday where we all undergo cosmetic surgery, so we can more fully understand the madness that is Michael Jackson. O, this day shall be a day for family, sharing and bleaching your masked offspring's hair. I will pay to have my grandmother's lips tattooed....will YOU?

Joke as I will, it's truly shameful to view the miserable, twisted creature that Michael Jackson has become. Perhaps he'll learn to live a more normal life by observing the rest of society, and our ever-so-healthy constant obsession with the man's every last twitch.

Until then, I'm going to count the seconds until they air "Michael Jackson and the Colonoscope: The Footage He Doesn't Want You To See", brought to you by Diet Pepsi.


2003-10-14 - Last Haiku
2003-10-09 - Don't Cry Out Loud
2003-10-09 - Sit Down, You're Making Me Nervous
2003-10-08 - I'm Sure Miss Thing, I'm Sure
2003-10-07 - Carbonated Water, Caramel Color, Aspartame

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