THE GREAT GADFLY:

Sudden Fiction Six



Roy's dirty parrot only knew a handful of words that weren't obscenities, and it also suffered from a rare form of bird halitosis which resulted in a foul zone of stench for anyone who dared get near the dirty parrot's cage.

Roy was much liked by his friends and co-workers, but everybody in his life was reluctant to visit his home because they did not want to deal with his stinking vulgar bird. Roy took his friends' refusal to visit him personally, not realizing that it was because of the bird, and with every party he planned that nobody attended, he made a point to be that much nicer to everyone so they'd certainly want to attend his next get-together. But alas.

One time, a group of co-workers was invited to a dinner party at Roy's house, and they decided he was such a nice guy that they'd just bite the bullet and deal with the bird. They knew how important this was to their friend. They knew how much of an effort he always made. So, a group of about four people attended Roy's latest soiree.

Roy was so happy. He had spent all week cooking. He had taught himself how to mix complex new cocktails. The house was spotless and smelled like pumpkin spice. His guests were enchanted by his entertaining skills. But then Roy gave them a tour of the house and they stopped into the den, home to the dirty parrot.

"Oh," one of the guests said, doing her best to ignore the stench, "it's your little bird! What's his name?"

"FUCK YOU, WHORE," the bird screamed.

Ignoring the rancid parrot as best he could, another guest piped in quickly with, "I hear these birds live a long time, you know."

"WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER HERE AND SUCK MY DICK?" the bird hollered.

Finally, one of the guests had had enough. Much to Roy's dismay, he stomped over to the bird cage and began shaking it violently.

"Watch your goddamn mouth, you disrespectful bastard!" The angry guest bellowed into the cage at the dirty bird. "You get free shelter, free food, a clean cage, and an owner who gladly endures your miserable odors EVERY DAY, so SHUT THE HELL UP, why don't you!!! SHOW A LITTLE BIT OF FUCKING GRATITUDE!!!"

Roy pulled the guest away from the cage, as the other guests looked on, stunned.

The bird tried to form a response - "Eat....eat...uh...eatme?" - and then never spoke again, burying itself under a pile of shredded newspaper from then on.

As the newsprint began to successfully absorb the bird odors, Roy suddenly found himself in the company of many people who loved and adored him on a regular basis. From under its pile of shredded paper, the bird watched him laugh and tell stories to all his guests. Its beak chattered involuntarily. This is how it went.




2003-10-14 - Last Haiku
2003-10-09 - Don't Cry Out Loud
2003-10-09 - Sit Down, You're Making Me Nervous
2003-10-08 - I'm Sure Miss Thing, I'm Sure
2003-10-07 - Carbonated Water, Caramel Color, Aspartame

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