THE GREAT GADFLY:

Moist Holiday Wishes



This holiday season, I'd like to suggest that you take a moment to do something special.

Tell someone you love them.

Help a little old lady across the street.

Call someone far away and tell them, darn it, you miss them.

If you live near a swamp full of alligators, bag a deer or two and go dump the carcasses in the water. Those toothy little guys are hungry, and hey - it's the holidays. It'll make their day.

If you work for a company where you have to write an ad saying "from all of us here at [your job here], we wish you and yours all the best this holiday season", take a moment to go around and ask all your co-workers if they REALLY wish "you and yours" ALL the best. You never know what outstanding grudges you may be overlooking when you put out a presumptuous blanket wish like that. You might want instead to say something like "we wish you and yours all the best this holiday season...except for a few of you, and you know who you are, you bastards."

Get someone drunk. When they're all liquored up, ask them to talk about their regrets. They'll thank you for it someday.

Pin a fuzzy little elf hat on your cat's head. They love that shit.

Buy your loved one clean underpants this year. And not just one pair, or even just a three-pack. There are seven days in a week. Thirty or thirty-one days in a month. Come on. Don't be stingy with the panties.

Wish telemarketers a warm holiday season before telling them to suck your ass and die.

If those special people in your life don't get a rise out of clean underpants (who knows, maybe they ride commando?), remember that everyone loves pornography. Go ahead - give the gift of porn. Even if they say they hate it, you know they'll watch it some lonely day.

Demand that your family learn a high-energy dance routine to be performed on Christmas morning, which will conclude with the entire clan lifting your grandmother and tossing her around the room. Teach dad how to do the jazz hands. It will bring you all closer together.

Offer to trim your someone's mullet, free of charge. Then glue the shaved fringe to an ornamental Christmas donkey and use it for a holiday dinner table centerpiece. The family will fawn over your Christmas mullet-donkey keepsake for generations to come.

Ask your boss if s/he has a tongue hygiene kit. If not, you should buy a nice executive tongue scraper for your boss. Your co-workers will thank you for it. You may even get a promotion.

In these uncertain times, keep regular. Eat some extra fiber today. Really.

Have you hugged a cow lately? Bring a cow or two into your home. Let them know they're appreciated. Don't eat them. Get them drunk and then ask them to talk about their regrets.

Don't cock-punch anyone this holiday season. Wait until after New Year's, then go cock-punching crazy like gangbusters if you must.

Ladies, slide a few sticks of lip gloss in your hubbies'/boyfriends' stockings this year. They could use a little bit of extra sass in their look, don't you think?

If you're a compulsive prank phone caller, at least give your crank calls a yuletide twist. Try something like, "Is your refrigerator running this holiday season?" These are special times - it's the little holiday touches that count.

Remember that a hot glue gun and lots of tinsel can transform a few of your parents' appliances into a winter wonderland of hard-to-remove festivity this holiday season. Also remember that every time Mom and Dad use the word "ruined", it's code for "thank you". The louder they say it, the more tickled they are.

Mistletoe wrapped around the pipe can make crack rock taste like egg nog.

Tell your street you love it, then get a little old lady drunk and ask her to talk about all her regrets in life. Then kiss her under the crack pipe. Do not throw her to the alligators. Don't do it.

If you are a superhero and have an arch nemesis, buy him/her something practical this year, like a humidifier. They'll harsh on you a lot less the next time you battle.

Spray paint stenciled holiday messages on your wall this year. It'll give you something to look at next summer.

Well, I'm out of ideas. The yuletide teat has been sucked dry. I hope I've inspired somebody somewhere to somehow do something for someone - but most of all, whatever you choose to do or not do - from everyone here at The Great Gadfly - all one of us - we want to wish you and yours the best of holidays. Except for a few of you. And you bastards know who you are.




2003-10-14 - Last Haiku
2003-10-09 - Don't Cry Out Loud
2003-10-09 - Sit Down, You're Making Me Nervous
2003-10-08 - I'm Sure Miss Thing, I'm Sure
2003-10-07 - Carbonated Water, Caramel Color, Aspartame

index
archives
profile
Uffish
Jonno
Kiera Bombshell
Wonderboy
Dogpoet
email
notes
design
host

chicago blogs