THE GREAT GADFLY:

The Friday Five, Only It's Sunday And It's Fifty

I wish these people would quit circulating so many questionnaires, because, well, you know I am just going to wind up answering them. My addiction to surveys and questionnaires is worse than my much-publicized recent donkey pie problems. It's bad, okay? It's bad.

Shake the mighty finger of blame at Tater Fay, but also reserve a fair amount of fudgy, delicious shaming action for Sambadelic.

1. your name spelled backwards:

tniatgniddup

2. where were your parents born?

Pops was born in Kansas, Moms was born in Indiana.

3. what is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?

A drawing of Homer Simpson as Aladdin Sane.

4. what's your favourite restaurant?

Of all time, like, ever? I guess it would be a tie between Bite Cafe in the Ukranian Village, and a little Afghani restaurant on St. Mark's called Khyber Pass that serves sauteed pumpkin over basmati rice. Oh, yum.

5. last time you swam in a pool?

I've been swimming in a pool of my own pity and filth for the past couple of...OH, you mean a SWIMMING pool? Holy crap, it's been a long-ass time. No, I mean an embarrassingly long time. In fact, I refuse to answer this question.

6. have you ever been in a school play?

Oh, holy crap, yes. In high school I was in "Guys and Dolls", "Plaza Suite" and the dreaded "Our Town". In college I was in "Othello", "The Memorandum", "The Zoo Story", "The Cherry Orchard" and "84 Charing Cross Road". Gadfly = Theater Fag.

7. how many kids do you want?

Enough to staff a successful dry-cleaning establishment.

8. type of music you dislike most?

I used to really despise smooth jazz and soft rock, but I've come to embrace it in a very '90s, heavy-irony, post-modern Paul Thomas Anderson kind of way. There's nothing better than walking into a harshly lit convenience store at a strange hour and hearing the theme from "Arthur" by Christopher Cross. It's so wildly inappropriate, it's delicious.

I hated country music when I was younger, but then I started listening to Johnny Cash's American Recordings stuff and started digging around in classic C&W music bins. I realized that my hatred was of BAD country music, or of gaudy adult contemporary "music" passing itself off as country. It's still not one of my favorite genres, but I also don't cringe when I hear the words "country and western" like I used to. People who condemn the entire genre are missing out on some amazing songwriting.

Currently, the kind of music I dislike most is bling-bling top-40 hip-hop, though I suspect the Jay-Zs and the Nellys of today will age into the KC and the Sunshine Bands and the Peaches & Herbs of tomorrow. Oh, and I despise rap metal, but goofing on that whole trend these days is like shooting fish in a barrel.

9. are you registered to vote?

I'm registered, baby.

10. do you have cable?

Yeah, I do. I think perhaps I shall cancel it soon.

11. have you ever ridden on a moped?

Non.

12. ever prank call anybody?

Yeah. A poor man who was listed in the phone book as Harry Heiny. Really. And when we called, some woman answered the phone by saying, "Heineys." We just laughed into the phone like Beavis & Butthead, then we hung up.

13. ever get a parking ticket?

No, because I've never owned a car. But it might be cool to get a parking ticket one day, just for the irony of it.

14. would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?

Would plunging through the atmosphere bring me comfort?

15. furthest place you ever traveled?

My own psyche.

16. do you have a garden?

I kill plants, and it makes me sad, so no. No gardening.

17. what's your favourite comic strip?

I like Kathy and if anyone knows where I can get a nylon safety orange Kathy fanny pack, please contact me.

18. do you really know all the words to your national anthem?

19. bath or shower, morning or night?

Morning showers before work, and the relaxing evening baths that never happen.

20. best movie you've seen in the past month?

Oh, ah - um - in the past month? Quite honestly, I haven't seen any movies of substantial note in the past month. No, really. Unless you mean the question literally, in which case I'll say "The Royal Tenenbaums" cuz my mom and I rented that over Thanksgiving, and even though it's a far cry from anything remotely resembling the word "best", and even though I'd already seen it, it's better than any other movie I've seen in the relative spectrum of the last thirty or so days of my life.

21. favourite pizza topping?

I likes arty chokes and olives and sometimes the peeneppels.

22. crisps or popcorn?

I like saltines.

23. what colour lipstick do you usually wear?

I wear brown lipstick to job interviews.

24. have you ever smoked peanut shells?

Yes, but never without a condom.

25. have youever been in a beauty pageant?

I won second place in a beauty pageant when I played Monopoly one time. I cheated.

26. orange juice or apple?

I'm drinking a lovely apple/passion fruit/something else medley that doesn't taste like much of anything except for weird, but in the most refreshing way possible. I like really pulpy orange juice or else that sour, super-acidic Donald Duck stuff that I don't think you can even find anymore.

27. who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine?

Uh, went out with the moms to one of the few Chinese restaurants in the country that doesn't have any vegetarian entrees. But they had macaroni & cheese and tater tots, so I didn't complain. Ah, multiculti Hoosier cuisine...

28. favourite type chocolate bar?

King sized 7th Avenue bars. Oh, such yum. For some reason the normal sized bars aren't as good. Maybe this is because I am a pig.

29. when was the last time you voted at the polls?

I voted this past whenever it was, when all the local stuff was up for grabs. A bunch of Democrats won out here, which I guess is quite the rarity these days. I think I voted for one Republican, because the other person in the running was someone whose posters really REALLY got on my nerves and I didn't want to encourage them any more than they'd already been encouraged, and there was no indie candidate, so I voted for the Republican, sheerly out of abject spite. I'm a horrible, horrible man.

30. last time you ate a homegrown tomato?

I had me some cottage cheese yesterday afternoon.

31. have you ever won a trophy?

No. I've never been the sporty type, so whenever I win anything, it's usually like a certificate or money or something. I've modeled for trophies. Does that count?

32. are you a good cook?

I think my talents as a cook are dormant and considerable. And if you doubt it, why don't you just eat ME?

33. do you know how to pump your own gas?

I know how to pump other people's gas. That sounds dirty. Tee-hee.

34. ever order an article from an infomercial?

Yeah, and after it was delivered in person by Snoop Dogg and a topless drunk woman, I will never do so again.

35. sprite or 7-Up?

7-Up always makes me feel better when I have the flu. Sprite's just kind of gross and syrupy, isn't it? I used to have a taste for the Cherry 7-Up, but that didn't last.

36. have you ever had to wear a uniform to work?

Oh ah ick, I did my fast-food job thing, sure. I think I spent most of that time splintering my consciousness and mentally existing in my secret happy place, so I don't have a lot of memories of those daze.

37. last thing you bought at a pharmacy?

Fattie bought Bugles and Twix ice cream at the Walgreen's.

38. ever throw up in public?

I almost did once, when I lived in NYC and visited CHICago with Neeners and we were partying on the White Trash Bar Tour with my friend Troy the Stripping Librarian, and I'd just had one shot too many and had to go out back behind a 7-11 to wretch, but all I did was stand by a big dumpter heaving like a cat with a hairball, going "ack! ack! ack!" but nothing ever came out. And then we got back in the car and did more drinking at bars.

39. would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love?

I need more money to finance my love thing, see. Well, okay. I just need more money.

40. do you believe in love at first sight?

I believe in money at first sight.

41. ever call a 1-900 number?

Yeah, but the phone was busy.

42. can exes be friends?

No, they're all a bunch of murderous, fiending bastards. Heh.

43. who was the last person you visited in a hospital?

That would be Lizzard, who, bless her dainty soul, winds up in hospitals pretty frequently. But the fun thing is, when I visit her, I'm always panicked and worried, but she's always sitting up in bed reading a catalog, and she'll always welcome me by saying something cheery like "dude, I'm all fucked up again!"

44. did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby?

I was a late birth, so I had chest hair and a mullet when I came out of the womb.

45. what message is on your answering machine?

Every week I record a new selection from the Original Cast Recording of "Rent" on my answering machine. It used to be Les Mis, but I ran out of selections.

46. what's your all-time favourite Saturday Night Live Character?

Brian Fellows because the goats give him the devil eyes. Though can I just say this year's SNL is a textbook example of suck?

47. what was the name of your first pet?

Patty.

48. what is in your purse?

I have a man purse (messenger bag) with an umbrella, a spiral notebook, a copy of Infinite Jest (I want to rip the pages out as I read them so it will get smaller, but I am too anal to be that punk rock), my CD wallet and my discman...and assorted scraps of paper that should be thrown away, but I convinced myself were somehow important.

49. favourite thing to do before bedtime?

Practice my fencing.

50. what is one thing you are grateful for today?

The coffee I am drinking. The pending completion of two big bags of laundry. The promise of a new hour of wigs and head-kicks tonight. Being unemployed (no, really - I'm not being a smaryfarty). Me.

Oh wait, you wanted just one thing? Oh. Donkey pie, then. I am always grateful for the donkey pie.