THE GREAT GADFLY:

The Friday Five, Only It's Saturday And It's Twenty

1. What do your friends call you? I don't really get called a lot of nicknames, other than the obvious "asshole", "filthy bastard", "frankenfag", etc. People who know me really well sometimes call me "Chrissie" - partially out of affection, partially to piss me off. My grandmother calls me "Chrissie", for the same reasons.

2. What nickname would you give yourself if it weren�t totally lame to pick your own nickname? Well, I have a nom de plume, but is that really a nickname? It's not like I want my boss or my mom calling me by my fake writing name. I don't really give a crap about nicknames. Call me what you gotta.

3. Did people used to call you something that they don�t call you anymore? If no, what did they call you and why? I used to get called "Speedy" because I lived in Speedway, Indiana and I had a habit of doing things quickly. That name did not catch on. I moved out of Speedway, and I slowed my ass down.

4. If you could change your name to anything, what would it be? I would change my last name to my middle name, because my mother came up with it.

5. What are you wearing right now? A dirty rucksack.

6. What time did you wake up today? A few minutes before 7:00a.m. - on a Saturday, even. Yeah, I know - it's bad.

7. What was your biggest reason for leaving the house today? Um, it's only 8:00a.m. on a Saturday morning. Cut me some damn slack, already. Though I do have to return a video today, so there's yer answer.

8. What are your plans for tomorrow? Coffee. Laundry. Cleaning. An evening with the Battling Bristows.

9. What is your all time favorite movie? Grey Gardens.

10. What are the best songs for:

a. A sad day: Old, old, OLD skool Tammy Wynette. Some of the most overwrought music ever made. Gary Numan is no trip to the miniature golf course, either. I used to play Tammy and Gary on shuffle play when I wanted to drown my sorrows. Strangely, it works.

b. A happy day: Anything by Afrika Baambaata, Deee-Lite, Saint Etienne, and oh, just lots of stuff.

c. A post-break up picture-ripping session: The names Diamanda Galas and Annie Lennox come to mind.

d. A make out session: Something kinda droney and prog, like Godspeed You Black Emperor! or Sigur Ros.

e. A head-stomping: "Kool Thing" by Sonic Youth or "Bring Tha Noize" by Public Enemy & Anthrax. Either way, Chuck D. should be in there somewhere.

f. A dance party: One word, baby: "Rapture". Okay, three more words: "Genius of Love".

11. Write some lyrics to the song that�s in your head right now: Holy crap, "The Mexican" by Babe Ruth is in my head, and I don't know the words because I think they're mostly in Spanish, though the singer could just have curious singing diction. Or I could have a hearing problem. Or both.

12. Name some guilty pleasures (now this is stuff that you know sucks but you like it anyway):

a. TV show: Oh my god, I love that show "Cheaters" where a TV crew hunts down unfaithful spouses for smackdowns at an infidelious dinner date at TGIFridays. I like this show the most because when people call me while it's on, I can say in my best Jerri Blank voice, "I'm wawtchin' the Cheeeeturrrrrs....oh yeah, they're gettin' em gooood."

b. Band: I guess I should say ELO, but there's nothing guilty about them. Lots of pleasure, though. The Volkswagen commercial featuring "Mr. Blue Sky" concerns me, by the way.

c. Book or author: I've been a fan of Lloyd Alexander's "The Book of Three" series ever since I stumbled across them in third grade. I don't think these books are a guilty pleasure, though Disney made a crappy movie out of the second book of the series, "The Black Cauldron". They're cute, engaging children's books - "Lord of the Rings Lite", I suppose.

d. Song: I'm kinda all about that "my feet look like Marilyn Monroe" song by Kelly from Destiny's Child. It's kinda rock, kinda dark, kinda brooding. She's having a serious moment now that Beyonce's out of the picture. Kelly, give me a call - I'm worried.

e. Food: As a veg-mo-tanian, there aren't a whole lot of guilty pleasure foods available to me...but it doesn't mean I don't lovingly embrace the few that I can find. I have a big ol' bag of Bugles waiting for me in the cupboard, baby, and um, hi: I am NOT above Easy Cheese.

13. How do you feel about mustaches? Lando Calrissian had a cool moustache.

14. Where is the worst place you�ve ever been and why? Just about anywhere in Indiana. It's where I grew up, and it's too much of a mirror of what I'm afraid could happen to me. I don't fetishize metropolii for nothin', you know.

15. Where is the best place you�ve ever been and why? The Redwood Forest was awfully beautiful. Drawing silly pictures with my pal Neeners under a ceiling of giant trees and taking photos of banana slugs - we all have our own definitions of bliss.

16. Complete the following: (I recommend leaving in the parentheses so future survey filler-outers know where to put their answers.)

a. I (AM) rock n� roll.

b. I�m not (obsessive compulsive), I�m just (a man with standards).

c. This (coffee) could use more (caffeine).

17. Who deserves a punch in the mouth? Kelly Osbourne, the Bush Administration, various MTV vee-jays.

18. Where do you like to hang out? To quote the great Morris Day, "in my skin."

19. What do you do on your day off? What would you rather do? I write a lot, I drink a lot of coffee, I make a few calls, maybe hang out with the one or two friends I have out here in Shitcago, rent a movie or two. Blah blah. Do laundry. Can you handle the excitement? But in the here and now, I wouldn't have it any other way.

20. What�s grosser, the stuff in the bottom of the sink, or the stuff behind the toilet? You know how the sink skidge got there. You don't really know how the toilet skidge got there. So, like, toilet skidge.