THE GREAT GADFLY:

Everything I Needed To Know About Job Interviews I Learned From Missy Elliott

Would you like some water or a cup of coffee?
Let's get drunk, it's gonna bring us closer. Don't I look like a Halle Berry poster?

Tell me about yourself.
You won't find a bitch that's even betta - I make it hot as Las Vegas weatha

What do you want to do with your life?
I'd like to get to know ya, so I can show ya - Put the pussy on ya, like I told ya.

How would you describe your ideal job?
The drummer boy go pa rum pum pum pum - give ya some some, some of this in a bun.

How do you evaluate success?
If you're a fly gal, ya get your nails done, get a pedicure, get your hair did.

Describe a situation in which you were successful.
Just cuz I got a lot of fame supah, Prince couldn't get me change my name, how-pah.

What do you think it takes to be successful in this career?
I'm not a prostitute but I can give you whatcha want.

What accomplishments have given you the most satisfaction in your life?
Love the way my ass bump bump bump bump bump bump. Keep your eyes on my bump bump bump bump bump.

If you had to live your life over again, what would you change?
Is it worth it? Let me work it. I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it.

Are you a team player?
Gimme all your numbers so I can phone ya. Your girl acting stank? Then call me ovah.

What motivates you?
Boys, boys, all type of boys - black, white, Puerto Rican, Chinese boys.

Why should I hire you?
Think you can handle this ga-dunk ga-dunk dunk?

What is your long-range objective?
Tang thanga thang, ga-thanga thang thang.

Do you handle conflict well?
When I come out, you won't even matta. Why you act dumb like ughhh, duh? So you act dumb like ughhh, duh!

Have you ever had a conflict with a boss or professor? How did you resolve it?
Picture Lil' Kim dating a pastor. Minute man big red can outlast ya. Who is the best? I don't have to ask ya.

What major problem have you had to deal with recently?
I need to shave my cha-cha.

If I were to ask one of your professors to describe you, what would he or she say?
"You sure know how to work that - good God."

How much training do you think you'll need to become a productive employee?
Take my thong off and my ass go boom. Cut the lights off so you see what I can do.

What do you know about our company?
This the kinda beat that go bha ta ta. Ra ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta.

Why are you interested in our company?
Sex me so good I say blah blah blah.

Do you have any location preferences?
Go downtown and eat it like a vultchah.

What kind of salary are you looking for?
Girls, girls, get that cash! If its not a foul, shakin that ass. Ain't no shame ladies, do your thang - just make sure you ahead of tha game.

Fair enough. So...what makes you a good candidate?
You do or you don't or you will or you won't cha. See my hips and my tips, don'tcha? See my ass and my lips, don'tcha? Lost a few pounds in my whiffs for ya. Ra ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta.

Do you have any questions for us?
If you got a big SQUONK!, let me search it. Ef nurb ibby schniffa gung naffa wub?

And if those show-stopping job interview answers don't do the trick, you can always do like Missy and remove your head from your shoulders, extend your CGI lizard tongue, then swallow your interviewer's car in one big gulp. Ra ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta.