THE GREAT GADFLY:

Push It

People in Chicago do not yield for each other. I've noticed this in the two-plus years I've lived here. In this city, the rule is that one's right-of-way is their Divine Right, and if someone is in your way, they need to understand that they need to move, because your stride shall not be broken. They should know this just by looking at you. I mean, it's obvious, really, isn't it? Yielding is SO not your problem. You are like Leo Sayer. Nobody is going to break your stride.

And another thing: pedestrians have the right of way? Psshyeah. Right. Cars are just an even more formidable excuse to make people get out of your way. Law, schmaw.

It was the same daily battle in New York, only different. People shove and push and knock past each other all the time, perhaps in an even more brutish fashion than in Chicago. But I think what made it more tolerable for me there was that it's so much less personal. It's kind of a lemming-like process. Everyone is scurrying like pre-programmed ants and bees to get to their respective sandhills and hives, and in the massive flows of rush-hour commuting, people knock against each other like twigs in a river. But it's never personal. It's never a matter of "you're in my way" as much as it is a matter of "I'm just trying to get where I'm going". There's a rhythm to it. You can play a New York rush hour subway station like a musical instrument if you're observant enough.

During the last couple of years I lived in New York, I started training myself in learning how to yield for other people. If I saw that someone was coming my way through a doorway only one of us could fit through, I taught myself to stand patiently by the entrance while the other person passed. I found that once I started making this a practice, I would come home at the end of the day in a less agitated state of mind. But more importantly, I realized that yielding for others had a lot to do with more successfully getting to where you're going in a way that's quicker and more efficient. It was a practice that quickly fit in with the rhythm of Manhattan foot traffic. Maybe it was standard behavior that took me a long time to learn. Or maybe yielding for other people is such shocking behavior on the streets of NYC that it wound up getting me where I wanted to go. I dunno.

Also, there's a difference in attitude - out East, when someone cuts you off, you shout a profanity at them and ten seconds later you've forgotten all about it. You know the cutter-offer has nothing against you as an individual, you know they aren't out to get you, and you know they're just a random thoughtless bunghole. Not so much like that out here in the Midwest. If someone cuts you off, they have dishonored you, your family, and pretty much your entire bloodline. They have shamed your name. They have violated you in a way that can never be erased. And they will pay. I think that because there is so much less general random kookiness out here, Chicagoans are far less conditioned to "let things go" as quickly as a New Yorker who is used to performance artists, homeless street prophets, and homeless street-prophet performance artists. People who don't shock easily also do not tend to offend easily.

Living in Chicago is easier than living in New York. There's more personal space. There's more of a home-centric lifestyle, where we value having everything within reach of the recliner. We're able to prop our feet up at the end of the day and listen to the crickets chirp, while somehow still managing to live in a Big City. The world is an extension of our living room. A lot of New Yorkers don't HAVE living rooms. Life, by necessity, is communal and very public. Sharing common and public space is a series of negotiations, not a series of entitlements. Walls are thin, restaurants are small and crowded, bars on weekends are literal seas of flesh. You get used to it. You adapt. You work with the people around you, because there's no escape from the massive overpopulated throngs of this city.

Maybe my big problem with getting around in Chicago is that after a long period of crampy thronging, I haven't given myself permission to spread my legs. Maybe I should get used to the fact that I'm in a place where I can get away with barging my way through the streets, and people just have to deal with my fat ass. Maybe I should quit walking around corners with the thought that someone else might be coming around the same corner with a cup of hot coffee in their hands. I mean, nobody else out here proceeds with caution. Why should I? Either way, I'm gonna wind up with a shirtful of latte.

Maybe all this is just a pet peeve, and aimlessly bumping into and off of a bevy of strangers on a regular basis is simply The Way Of Things.

Or not.

People, just fuckin' watch where you're going.

Yield to someone every now and then. Stop and let them pass instead of pushing past them. It feels good, and you're not throwing someone into a foul mood. Hooray you!!!

For God's sake, "excuse me" aren't dirty words. Use them.

If you're in a group of people slowly moving down a street, don't take up the whole width of the sidewalk. That's just obnoxious.

Think about what's on the other side before you take a corner. This isn't just for the sake of consideration, but for your own safety.

I'm just saying.

Maybe all this is just a bunch of neurotic rambling. Or maybe I'm on to something. Or maybe it takes a bunch of neurotic rambling to be on to something. I dunno.

I could go on and on with this rant, but I'll stop here. Mainly because it's his birthday (go give him one to grow on) and he hates it when I rag on his hometown, even though I'm not really ragging on it today, I'm just....well, okay. I'm ragging on it. I'm ragging on everything today, I'm ragging on YOU - but that's no excuse to bite the hand in which I shit, shower and shave. At least it's not as bad as when I called it "Shitcago", a word which I was disabused right quick of ever saying again. I had no idea you could fit a nailbomb under someone's door! My landlord was pissed and I had to pick out a new glass eye (expensive!), but I sure learned a lesson. Typing with only three fingers isn't so difficult, really. Thanks for the whut-for, buddy. I may have less digits now, but I have lots more wisdom.

PLEASE NOTE: I hope we all learned something today about being a bit nicer to your fellow neighbor. I know I sure didn't. I do feel it's important for me to add that, of course, all this nicey-nicey "yield for others" crap flies right out the window when there's free cake to be had. You chumps better just stand to the side, cuz this fattie ain't playing.

That is all.