THE GREAT GADFLY:

Why Do We Always Come Here?

So this morning I put on my aviator glasses, applied some lipstick and threw on a tight leather jacket with no shirt on underneath, and just as I was walking out the door I forgot we weren't having Casual Friday this week because of the holiday. I also forgot I am not Lou Reed. Four day weeks throw everything out of whack.

We need to quit using the phrase "OH SNAP!" and ending our boasts with the word "EVER" (as in "the best bowel movement, EVER"). Let's get with the times, people - those phrases are, like, SO War-On-Iraq. We should start using the prefix "corpo-" as much as possible. (Example: "I just saw the latest Harrison Ford corpo-thriller. Morgan Freeman played a folksy ex-alcoholic renegade lawyer. It was good.")

I'm not unconvinced that Soylent Green may, in fact, be people. Not for nothing, but I wouldn't eat that Krispy Kreme donut if I were you, either. I don't wanna be a killjoy - I'm just sayin'.

Last night, I had a nightmare that they made a Broadway play out of the Cremaster Cycle and there was a thing on TV about it, and I had to watch Mandy Patankin pass his teeth through a slimey distended intestine hanging out of his bunghole. The most disturbing part of this dream was that it was Mandy Patankin. I believe Elton John may have been responsible for the songs, but as nightmares go, it could just have easily been Randy Newman.

When William Burroughs first came up with the phrase "a great schlupping sound," he must have been working in an office with someone who wore flip-flops.

This week, I've been reading an oral history of Sly and the Family Stone. Sly had a pit bull named Gun. That's bad news right there. I won't tell you what Gun did to Sly's pet monkey. I wish I had a voice like Maggie Smith's, becaue I'd say "It's too GHASTLY!!!"

Today is National People-Listening-In-On-Your-Tapped-Phone Appreciation Day. So pick up the phone and tell the nice people behind the dial tone how much you appreciate all the good work they do. It would probably help, too, if you remind them that you are not a terrorist.

From a recent e-mail: "Some people don't deserve to be hot. Like boring people, for example. Boring hot people just hook up with other boring hot people, then they give birth to more boring hot people and it just keeps going on and on. It's like 'Land Before Time' sequels. Did I just write that, or am I trance-channeling George Constanza?"

One piece of butter-icing cake with pudding center can change your entire worldview. Remember that next election year.

Too many pregnant pauses; too few aborted conversations. If you're looking to annoy me, I'm afraid you haven't joined a very exclusive club...

I'm thinking about re-wiring my doorbell so that whenever someone buzzes me, I hear a loud, heavily-reverbed sample of a house music diva screaming "B-B-BABY!!!", and when I answer the door, I'll quickly light a cigarette and greet my company with a loud, whining "HEY, BITCHES." It's just something I've been mulling over. Or I might just get a "Welcome Friends" toll-painted door hanging from those nice Amish people who run a craft stand across town. I'm undecided.