THE GREAT GADFLY:

Lifestyle Choices

I can't say the word "lifestyle" without saying it like Jame Gumb from Silence of the Lambs. But enough of THAT:

I'm seeing some really spectacular commercials on the television lately.

I saw one commercial last week for a new toothpaste that, upon contact with your saliva, will create a sudden violent froth in your mouth, lathering your oral cavity like some kind of abrupt hygenic airbag. I have to admit, I'm fascinated by this idea. I want more violence in my mouth, especially if I can have bright George Michael teeth as a result. This toothpaste, though, I'm telling you. It's like that self-cleaning oven foam or like the Scrubbing Bubbles in your tub or toilet bowl...only it's for your mouth!

I think that's just great.

And speaking of the oven, I saw another commercial for a bag you put in your microwave - it looks like microwave popcorn, but it's actually a bag of chemicals - and you put this bag of chemicals in your microwave and turn it on and you heat the chemicals, and the vapors and fumes from this boiling bag of chemicals actually makes all the caked-on pasta and food grime melt from the inner walls of your microwave!!! Clearly, this is something I need to keep in my kitchen, I don't know about you. And don't take my word that it's a bag of chemicals - I don't want anyone getting the wrong ideas - perhaps it's not chemicals at all, but rather an invention that, when heated by microwave rays, emits a shrill sonic squeal that peels dried food particles from dry surfaces.

SPEAKING OF WHICH: you've got to hear this band because their music sounds like that old rap song about liking the cars, the cars that go boom.

PS: Someone did a search for OLD HAG PORN and found yours truly. Lordy.