THE GREAT GADFLY:

Scream, Chocula, Scream

And it was a candy tongue on a stick that came in a bag of sweet powder. Add a team of trophy models, a few naked mimes and a trained pig with a drink tray strapped to its back, and it could have been a party.

2. I'm in love with the President of the United States.

Tonight's episode of 24, my God. "There will be no racism or xenophobia IN MY NATION!!!!" Teeth clenched. Nostrils flared. I think I even saw a little bit of spittle fly. There's no reason Dennis Haysbert shouldn't run for President. Someone else should pick out his advisers, though. The last time I saw such a pack of shady goons sitting around a conference table, they called themselves the Legion of Doom.

Do you think our other TV president knows what the word "xenophobia" means? Do you think he knows who Lucy Lawless is? Whatever happened to her, anyway?

3. For a good time, go HERE.

4. Speaking of the Legion of Doom having a good time Xena-style, I think my downstairs neighbors Zod & Ursa are having sex right now. That, or else someone down there is stepping on a squeak toy repeatedly and shining a flashlight through my floorboards. Woe. I certainly hope I don't have to start a tally of their whacker action. I'd probably die of kryptonite poisoning if enough of their sweet poisonous love gasses wafted into my living space.

I'm not really sure what I'm talking about. I think it's the psychotropic dipper licker candy taking effect. And lemme tellya - Zod & Ursa's phantom zone sextacular is really bumming my stone.

5. I read this week that Prince's purple house in Minnesota was recently bulldozed. It's kinda like hearing Willie Wonka put the Oompa Loompas to sleep. Sad.

6. I finally figured out how to make my god damned VCR spring the fuck forward. I was going to put a strip of duct tape over the clock display but I went into that zen Man vs. Technology place and bettered the digital beast. I'm such a freakin' stud.

I want some Sleepytime tea and zwieback biscuits. Alas, all I have is a can of lite coconut milk and stale wheat bread. Waaah.