THE GREAT GADFLY:

Crucible, Schmucible - Live A Little!

Dear Meg,

Hiya, doll. Long time no chat! Listen, I have a suggestion to make:

I think you should publicly speak out against the war, as soon as possible, and with as much intensity and outspoken rage as you and your ghostwriters can muster. No sacred cows, Meg! Gloves off! Pull no punches! YOU TELL IT LIKE IT T-I-S, GIRL!!! And don't be shy with the press statements, either. It helps to have these things in writing.

Oh, I know you're not that political of a gal, but say - wasn't Dennis Quaid, like, a Republican or something? I could be wrong, but he sure looks like one. And if he is, what better way to piss off the ex than to paint peace signs on your boobs and flash everyone on Regis - like, say, TOMORROW?

Now, you're probably thinking I'm only suggesting this because I'm one of those people who hates you with a passion and the sound of your voice makes me want to shoot heroin, and if you spoke out against the government right now you'd surely be ostracized faster than Ted Nugent at a furries convention and then there'd be no more trite, annoying, insulting and neurologically-damaging Meg Ryan movies for someone like me to worry about for at least the remainder of this presidential term, and maybe even another four years on top of that(ugh).

This is not my motivation at all. I love you, "French Kiss" and Nora Ephron. More than my own saliva. No, really.

So okay, yeah, you might have heard that when you were shooting "City of Angels" I screamed out a window at you "MEG RYAN IS THE DEATH OF CINEMA", or that I've called for your head on a platter in the past. Psssht! Silly words. What I meant to yell that day was that WAR is the death of cinema, and what I originally said was that I want FREE SPEECH on a platter! YOUR free speech, Meg!

And NO, I never called you a "talentless hag". I said you were TALENT IN A BAG. See?

Now, go on - please do us all a favor and call the president a coward on Jay Leno, ASAP!!! Then I think you should flip off the camera and say "THIS IS A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR YOU, DONALD RUMSFELD!"

Come on. Don't be a wussy poop, Meg Ryan.

I mean, geez. People are so touchy about freedom of speech these days. Look at the Dixie Chicks - dissention has done WONDERS for their careers! And Pearl Jam - when Eddie Vedder went on that Dubya-rubber-mask stomping diatribe, people just ate it up. Michael Moore at the Oscars? A triumph of the human spirit! Join the winning team, Meg - don't let a little bit of ostracism or the so-called "end of your career" keep you from your big Norma Rae moment. DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!

DO IT!

And while you're at it, if you could put together a written statement declaring that your outrageously inflammatory points of view are shared by Carrot Top, John Tesh, everyone on American Idol, the Olsen Twins, Emeril LaGassy, Phil Collins and that Big Fat Greek Wedding woman, I'd sure appreciate it. Thanks, kitten!

Love ya/Mean it,
Gaddles

Disclaimer: The opinions stated in this open letter are not necessarily those of its author - except for the parts about how a certain celebrity should grab a box of matches and start burnin' them bridges, stat! Or something like that, anyway.