THE GREAT GADFLY:

Call Her Miss Birthday Girl



It's Miss Ross' birthday today. I know this because she asked if she could borrow my space to post a special birthday message.

"I've always had a deep spiritual connection with greatness and gadflies," she said to me via speakerphone before breaking into a violent gale of sobs, followed by what sounded like her throwing the phone across the room.

So, you know, who was I to say no? The floor's all yours, Boss...

It's my birthday today. My birthday. Get it? MINE.

It's not your birthday today, so....get over it. Even if it IS your birthday, it's MINE.

DON'T TOUCH ME!!!

Why can't you people leave me alone? Don't you understand that legends need privacy too? Every time someone touches my hair at an airport, a little piece of me dies!!!

oh

Where are you going? Where are you going? Oh my God, no - COME BACK! PLEASE!

Everybody....everybody, hold hands right now. Come on, feel the love. I SAID RIGHT NOW GOD DAMN IT!!!!

Ha-ha....ha-ha....yeah.

Mmmm, I like how brushed silk feels against my spine. It's my birthday today, you know.

I just wanted to take this opportunity...I SEE SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO ISN'T HOLDING SOMEONE'S HAND AND THEY SHALL BE DEALT WITH...just wanted to take this moment to say to everyone out there...with everything happening in the world today...so much uncertainty, so many problems...sometimes you step out of your air-conditioned horse-drawn carriage and you can just FEEL the anxiety and fear blowing in the wind...and so you take a Xanax and that doesn't help...and so you pray, and that doesn't help either...and so you take a Valium...and another Xanax...and that helps a little bit but not so much...so you lock yourself in the bathroom and engage in some primal scream thearapy, and that feels real good, but screaming at the top of your lungs and pulling patches of hair from your scalp doesn't make the war go away, does it? No.

I just wanted to say to everyone today that, in times like these - in horrible, uncertain times like these - I'm just glad to know that today is my birthday. And that makes all the difference. Thank you all! Every single one of...wait a minute -

Who are you people?! GET OUT OF MY HOME!!!!


2003-10-14 - Last Haiku
2003-10-09 - Don't Cry Out Loud
2003-10-09 - Sit Down, You're Making Me Nervous
2003-10-08 - I'm Sure Miss Thing, I'm Sure
2003-10-07 - Carbonated Water, Caramel Color, Aspartame

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