THE GREAT GADFLY:

The Freedom Five* (*formerly "The Friday Five", but that sounds a little, you know, FROGGY)

Oh, I think you get the picture.

1. Do you like talking on the phone? Why or why not?

Anyone who knows me is well aware of the fact that I despise talking on the phone. If it's about making plans or ordering a pizza or even talking through some recent melodramatic incident, then fine. It's a means to an end. But when I'm shooting the shit, I wanna see body language. I want facial expressions. I want to see what your hands are doing.

Perhaps even more importantly, when talking on the phone, you can't really take a break in mid-conversation. You can't really do "lulls" where you just kinda sit back, take a breath, and drink in the presence of your company. You must fill each moment with manic chatter at all times, or else it's pregnant awkward dead freakin' air, and you start wondering if it's time to hang up and if you're going to come off like an asshole for initiating the whole "well, I guess I'd better go" direction.

I will make necessary allowances for friends who are across the country, but generally no, I do not like the phone. No, sir. Not one bit.

2. Who is the last person you talked to on the phone?

Some Very Important Corporate Person at my job. In my REAL life? Someone much more Important: my oldest and bestest gal-pal, Ms. Renay.

3. About how many telephones do you have at home?

One. It's putty colored like a slug and I've had it for like eight years and it makes bleeping sounds at random. Either the phone's going senile or it's just the CIA's way of saying "hi, we're thinking of you."

4. Have you encountered anyone who has really bad phone manners? What happened?

People have to learn that speakerphones don't make for optimal communication. People also have to learn that if they can't talk on a cellphone and walk at the same time, they should either put the phone away or get out of the way of rush hour foot traffic.

Also, if you're on your cell and at a store, put your damn cellular tit away while you're dealing with the counterpeople. That's fucking lame.

5. Would you rather pick up the phone and call someone or write them an e-mail or a letter? Why or why not?

E-mails and care packages are preferable. E-mails because you can take your time putting thoughts together, and you can also take your time as the recipient, taking in those thoughts. But then, I'm a writer. What am I gonna say, that I prefer mime?

And as for the idea of just "picking up the phone" and calling someone, I'd rather be in a situation where they're in the mindset to chat than to simply impose myself on someone, whether or not they're in the mood to chat. But I'm notoriously prickly that way.

And as for care packages, well duh. Who doesn't like getting free stuff in the mail?

And ANOTHER thing...oh, crap...call waiting...can you hold on a minute? Thanks, you're a peach.