THE GREAT GADFLY:

Dwarf Porn and Skip-Bo

I've really been missing Euclid, Harriet, Velma and Babs and it warmed the cockles of my cockles to see them all together under the same roof again, swilling down beer and sucking down cigarettes like it was Judgment Day. So I popped a copy of "Little Big Ass" in the DVD player and we started having ourselves a good time.

"Look at that crazy dwarf," Euclid said.

"I like the way he spins in that leather sling," added Velma.

"Spin, porn dwarf, spin!" we all hooted in unison.

Oh my goodness, we were having so much fun.

Babs checked the fridge for more suds, and was momentarily shocked when she found nothing but a bag of moldy limes, two tubs of butter and a wee pot of curry paste.

"How can we be out of beer...at a time like this?" she cried.

Not to worry, I told her. I always keep at least two cases of beer under my bed. Oh, the girls were so impressed with my planning skills. Harriet pressed pause on the dwarf porn and took a few minutes to detail all of my personality strengths. I thought that was really nice of her.

"Let's play Dutch Blitz," Babs said.

"But the erotica! The erotica! What about the wee studs?" asked Euclid, blanching.

"Why can't we do both?" volleyed Babs.

Suddenly, all eyes were on me, the host of the evening. "I say we do whatever we want!"

And all the gals lifted their beers and whooped in appreciative glee.

"But I don't have Dutch Blitz...I only have Skip-Bo."

They kept on whooping. Sometimes, after enough beer and porn, cards is cards is cards.

Then there was a knock at the door. I scowled with tipsy dread at my Amish gal-pals as I crossed the room to answer the door.

I peeked through the keyhole.

Sure enough, it was my downstairs neighbors, Zod and Ursa.

I opened the door a crack.

"What's the meaning of this outrageous cacophany?!" neighbor Zod bellowed. "If I didn't know better, I would think you had a coven of Pennsylvania Dutch on your sofa, drunkenly watching graphic depictions of the love that dare not speak its name!"

"In miniature, it sounds," added hag girlfriend Ursa.

"YOU'RE complaining about MY noise?" I cawed and clutched my chest in shock. "I've had just about enough of you bastards!"

Zod's eyes got all big.

"Oh, I don't think you know who you're talking to, you little snip."

The girls on the couch caught wind of what was going on, even though they were plenty sauced.

"Don't make us come over there and kick your asses!" Harriet growled. "I have a hatchet in my purse, so watch it."

Then matters got really strange. Zod sucked in a mouthful of air then blew a gust of arctic wind across my apartment, which I was lucky enough to duck but unfortunately, the gale transformed Euclid and Babs into ice sculptures, frozen cigarettes dangling from their blue lips.

"Ooooh," I said. "Now you people have done it."

"What are you going to do," purred skanky Ursa, "make grits?"

They laughed their dirty, spiteful laugh.

"Listen," I said to them as they stood in my hallway with their arms crossed, all superior-like. "Do you guys like Sigur Ros?"

They looked at each other and nodded a bit. "Yeah," they said, "they're okay."

"Good," I replied, "Because I'm going to punch you both in the throat."

And I did. Actually, I stomped on Ursa's foot and then I faked Zod out and punched him in the groinals.

Meanwhile, my remaining two Amish gal-pals were fashioning a macrame cage out of pasta they'd found in my cabinet and quickly microwaved. "This should hold those monkeys!" Harriet said triumphantly.

And then, Velma pulled a folded up piece of paper from her voluptuous black leather purse. She unfolded it and flashed the image in Ursa's and Zod's already beaten-down faces.

"Aaaaugh!" screamed Zod.

"Put it away!" cried Ursa. "It's just too...gay! Make it disappear, please!"

Velma, Harriet and I just laughed and laughed as the downstairs neighbors went whimpering back into the hallway and into their germ-ridden hamper of a domicile, where God only knows what kind of miserable rituals they must engage in, all in the name of so-called "domesticity".

"Our dwarf-porn isn't getting any younger!" Harriet said, wiping her hands on her apron.

"Reach under the bed and crack open a tepid one, girls." I smiled a big smile. "We got us some fun to have."

Once we thawed out the other two girls and got their heart rates back up to speed, it was like nothing ever happened.