THE GREAT GADFLY:

It's Clobberin' Time



Three words for everyone on the following list: HOW DARE YOU.

1. People who eat spoonfuls of minced garlic from the jar for breakfast, then take crowded public transportation to work, unaware that they're only one rung higher on the stench ladder than freshly piled feces.

2. People who are "standers" on moving walkways and escalators. This may be a difficult concept for some, but the simple fact that the ground or stairs beneath your feet may be moving does NOT mean that you are obligated to stand still. Of course, this is an option, but it is not the rule. Some of us are "walkers". We use moving walkways in concert with our ambulatory limbs in such a way that we can reach our destinations twice as fast. Now, standing still is just fine. In fact, I think it's great. Take a load off. Relax. Hey, let the ground do all the work for a change. Fine. But could you kindly STAND TO ONE GOD DAMN SIDE? Nothing annoys like a group of "standers" who block an entire escalator and force everyone to slow down to their level. FASCISTS!

3. Shouty downstairs neighbors who like Van Hagar & bling-rap, cigarette parties and cranking the ol' Game Cube up to 11, especially when done late on a Monday night. Hell has a special place for these SKAGS, and I certainly hope Sammy Hagar is there to welcome them.

4. Lenny Kravitz. I'm just tired of his ass.

5. Whoever has the nerve to buy me an Anne Geddes calendar. It hasn't happened yet, but whosoever DARES to violate my soul with such vulgar pornography is going to feel the mighty wrath, I'm telling you now.

6. Anyone who uses their children as an excuse to get right-of-way, like when people edge strollers out into the street to make cars stop. It's not that far removed from balcony baby-dangling, you know.

7. People who think it's a "great idea" to bring their dogs to work. Nothing affords me football-fields of precious focus like a big stinky dog ejaculating saliva and hair all over my clothes and flesh. What a treat! Then of course, the worst part is having to feign amusement at the damn creature as it pisses on my chair in front of the entire office. It's shit like this that makes me question my vegetarianism.

8. The Amish. Those fuckers are on my last tit this week.

9. Joe Millionaire, The Bachelorette, Kelly Clarkson, every single cast of The Real World, and Paula Goddamn Abdul: I HATE REALITY TELEVISION. Why don't these people go take their bleached teeth and go hump a camera shop?!

10. You've probably noticed that I haven't mentioned you on this list. DON'T PUSH YOUR LUCK.


2003-10-14 - Last Haiku
2003-10-09 - Don't Cry Out Loud
2003-10-09 - Sit Down, You're Making Me Nervous
2003-10-08 - I'm Sure Miss Thing, I'm Sure
2003-10-07 - Carbonated Water, Caramel Color, Aspartame

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