THE GREAT GADFLY:

Electric Dreams



This Valentine's Day, I think I'm finally going to get that laptop I've been whining about for the past few years. This is without a doubt the most extravagent Valentine's Day gift ever, but it only figures that it's being purchased by the one person in this whole wide world who loves me more than anyone else ever has, does, or will. Just thinking about this person makes me swoon.

Yup. You got it. I'm buying it my damn self. And I'm getting it on V-Day cuz, well, that's the next time I get paid. And seeing as how I racked up almost an entire extra week in overtime hours last month, it's entirely possible that my next check will result in me doing a Laverne DeFazio double-take once my eyes hit the stub. Or not - taxes, you know. Bastards.

Either way, I'm catching up on the bills, stocking up on the groceries, and gearing up to make SOME form of purchase by the end of the month, even if I gotta forego the laptop and continue on in the world of ugly, space-wasting PCs. Dude, I'll get a Dell. At least their new Darth Vader black models are kind of attractive.

I can't live with my home computer anymore, bless its fried little heart. I bought it used in Brooklyn about five or six years ago, and lord only knows what abuse the previous owner inflicted on the poor thing.

With my current computer, when you put it in "sleep" mode, it wakes itself up in the middle of the night. My current computer does not like mp3 files. Oh, it'll play 'em. For a while. Then, nope. Apparently, I ask too much.

My current computer makes a grinding noise whenever I do anything on it other than type.

The CD-ROM drive on my current computer exists only to mock me. I have CD-ROM of the board game Operation that I got in a box of cereal that it'll play; nothing else really agrees with it.

If my PC were a human, it would be Sofia from The Golden Girls. Only, Sofia was kinda perky for her age, even if she was a bit loony and senile. My PC is just old and sad. Maybe it would be Ronald Reagan. Ol' Yeller, perhaps.

I have daydream fantasy montages about me and my future laptop, where I clack away in coffee shops and everyone who sees me thinks I'm, like, a really intense and disciplined writer or something; where I'm spinning around in a field of daisies, holding my laptop at arm's length; waking up in the morning with a sheepish smile on my face, only to look over and see my future laptop next to me, giving me a wanton wink.

Yeah, it's kinda sick, really.

But if for the past six years you'd been using a PC powered by a wise-cracking pterodactyl, you'd be getting a bit feverish, too.

I've had the same printer since 1993. (in my best Parker Posey Libby Mae Brown voice:)That's, like, almost a third of my life, y'all!(end Libby Mae) I have to admit, I'm kinda impressed with the quality of copies it spits out when the ink cartridges are nice and fresh - but of course, it goes through ink cartridges like an elephant goes through sunflower seeds.

Do elephants eat sunflower seeds?

How happy I will be to donate my ugly, dinge-stained putty-tan monitor. Oh, how happy I will be to toss my printer over the balcony. And my CPU, well, I read somewhere that the safest thing you can do with your old unit is to smash it to bits with a hammer. In all due respect to a hard working computer that was as loyal as it could be for as long as it was, all I can say is a heartfelt and melancholy "Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Hammer-time!"

Moving into a new world of capable PC usage is going to be a bit of a shock. I hope I can handle it. I might even move into that whole new-fangled fiber-optic/broadband/cable modem craziness that all the kids are talking about, so's I can write me some e-mails out back by the cee-ment pond!

Dream big, aim high - that's what I say.

So yeah. For me, this is a big purchase. I'm a cheapskate. Po' white traysh. Bargain-Bob. To me, a "big investment" is spending sixty bucks on a pair of pants. Better be some damn nice pants, too. Forking out the (to me) big-bucks on something that is not rent, well...I get a little freaked about it. And, having done it, I feel as if I've invested a bit more in my adulthood, my independence, and my ability to get shit done.

Meanwhile...did I mention I'm cheep?

What next after this? Can the purchase of a dreaded cellphone be far away? I don't think so - I just don't. My irrational hatred of cellphones is just too wide and deep to consider the logistical advantages of owning such a device of torture. Though I am curious - when someone gets a cellphone, are they allowed to use it for conversations that aren't banal, or must conversations be limited to food phobias and recapping episodes of The Bachelorette? Just asking. (yeah, I know - that comment's gonna make me TONS of new friends...)

And as for emergencies, well - I dunno - if I'm in the middle of a packed train on the Chicago El, call all you like but there's not a whole lot I can do for ya. I just do not like cellphones. I do not like them on a boat, I do not like them with a goat.

But I want a Diamond Dogs ringtone. That would so rawk.

Meanwhile, I'll just dream a little dream of a computer that doesn't cough and hack in the middle of the night like Abe Vigoda without an oxygen mask. That'll give me a fantasy bone to chew on for a while, now won't it?


2003-10-14 - Last Haiku
2003-10-09 - Don't Cry Out Loud
2003-10-09 - Sit Down, You're Making Me Nervous
2003-10-08 - I'm Sure Miss Thing, I'm Sure
2003-10-07 - Carbonated Water, Caramel Color, Aspartame

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