THE GREAT GADFLY:

Smack Addict



So I decided to take on Blandman's essay contest, in which I must offer my most socially disturbing and potentially offensive opinion, and the following was all I could come up with. Hey, I just got back from a week in the Redwoods...aside from my hardcore array of earthen bodily aromas, how offensive could I possibly be right now? Anyway, here goes:

A Heartfelt Plea For More Peaceful Violence

Listen. I'm sick and tired of the NRA, the liberals, Michael Moore, Charleton Heston and everyone else hooting and braying and clawing their eyes out over whether or not we should have guns, control of guns, bullets at K-Mart and all the rest of the unseemly hullaballoo surrounding firearms.

People ask me, "well, as a vegetarian, doesn't someone like Ted Nugent piss you off with his pro-hunting propaganda?" Hell, no! I AM the vegetarian Ted Nugent! It's true! I am to lettuce as the Nuge is to bison! Now, don't get me wrong...I think potatoes are simply beautiful...ON MY DINNER PLATE! I think trees are amazing and majestic, especially when I can use them as paper or pencils! Cotton is glorious....ON MY BACK!!! HAW!!! The plant world, I tell you, isn't safe around me.

Whenever I see someone with lots of houseplants in their home, I think to myself, "what a waste of good eatin'."

I hear what you're saying - "oh, but what about the cute little radishes?" Believe me, if they could, radishes would be eating YOU for dinner without a second thought. That's just how nature works. So shut up and go fix a salad, muckie-muck.

But wait, I'm getting far away from my intended point, which is GUNS and what I think should be the solution to America's epidemic of gun violence in this day and age.

The answer is really quite simple, and one day I will be appreciated and thanked:

Take away all the guns and encourage more slapping.

That's right. Less bullets, more backhands.

I'm not trying to take a moral, liberal stand here. I'm just suggesting a little bit of common sense. When you get pissed off and shoot someone, that person could die and you could go to prison, and if you're retarded and poor, you'll get the death penalty. Plus, shooting people is messy. Really messy. Blood, gristle, all that stuff. Gross! Nobody wants to look at that slop, believe me.

Meanwhile, if you were to simply SLAP someone instead of shoot them, it saves a lot of mess, money, grief and bad karma. And believe me, it gets the message across just as well, if not even better than a bullet between the eyes.

Think of all the most notorious gun-inspired bloodbaths of our history, and just imagine how much more effective and less tragic they would have been if some disgruntled terror-merchant had just gone through a McDonald's or a post office and mercilessly slapped everyone. Think of how hand lotion sales could go through the roof and thus the economy could be given a much-needed moistening if we invested in slapping people the way we invested in guns.

It's really all about a moister America. I believe this.

Violent robberies would decline dramatically if we replaced guns with slaps. I mean, what's someone gonna do - put on a ski mask and say "give me all your money or I'll smack ya"? I think not. Unless someone could slap really hard. Which, you know, some people can. Perhaps a Slap Bandit is a possibility, however far-off it may seem. I don't know. I'd really rather not consider such a future, thanks.

Think about the last time you were slapped by someone. Probably the first thing that went through your mind was something like, "...oooooooh. You asked for it." And then you probably slapped that person back. And then you probably got in a slap fight. And then someone probably walked in and laughed at you and your opponent, because slap-fights look really stupid. And then you all probably broke into guffaws at the ridiculousness of the situation, and went to Arby's for a five-for-five sandwich special. After all, who can say no to the Horsey Sauce? Well, I guess I can, because I'm a vegetarian and there's not much for me to eat at Arby's but seasoned curly fries, but that's another story. You know you like the Horsey Sauce. Probably more than guns. Guns aren't smooth and tangy. You know I'm right about this.

Think back to childhood. What instilled the most fear? That's right, a threat from your mother that she would pull the car over and slap the bejeezus out of you if you kept it up. Anyone who knows the meaning of the term "The K-Mart Slap" knows exactly what I'm talking about. Remember when people were allowed to smoke in K-Marts, and there were ashtrays built into the shopping carts? This has nothing to do with my essay, but I just had a flashback to people smoking in K-Marts, and wow, wasn't that messed-up? ANYway...

Also, slapping just FEELS good. Do yourself a favor and go slap someone today. Just a big ol' slap upside the head. Doesn't that feel super? I had a friend in college who became obsessed with slapping. She couldn't help herself. She was very sweet about this fetish of hers - she'd approach you and ask permission - "do you mind if I smack you in the face?" To which more people than not would respond, "oh, sure, why not", and then - KA-POW! upside the head - and she'd hobble off, doubled over and giggling uncontrollably in some kind of orgasmic slap-happy daze.

Slapping, not unlike sex, relieves tension.

And don't misconstrue: I'm not advocating punching, kicking, biting, or any other form of physical harm to another person. Just slapping.

Could you imagine a war consisting of nothing but slap-fights? Let's see Oliver Stone or Steven Spielberg try to film THAT. If Sadaam Hussein peeves our president so much, why can't Dubya simply hop on Air Force One and pay the man a personal visit...and slap him? Oh, I think that would get the point across loud and clear. Oh, sure. "Hey, Hussein, I got a little something special fer ya." "Oooh, a present? What is it, what is it?!" Then: EL SLAPPO! Just give him a good old fashioned pimp-slap and all will be right with the world. He might even cry. But who listens to me?

Oh, I know, my thoughts are far too ahead of their time for the brutally simplistic world in which we live. But I will continue to stand as visionary and hold true to my belief: Less Guns, More Slapping.

I'm still working out how to fit spanking into this whole manifesto.




2003-10-14 - Last Haiku
2003-10-09 - Don't Cry Out Loud
2003-10-09 - Sit Down, You're Making Me Nervous
2003-10-08 - I'm Sure Miss Thing, I'm Sure
2003-10-07 - Carbonated Water, Caramel Color, Aspartame

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