THE GREAT GADFLY:

Questions Are My Crack Rock

Blame this one for my latest survey-answering binge:

1. Your name spelled backwards is: ylfdag

2. Where were your parents born? in an alternate reality - i learned this when i coaxed them to say their names backwards and it made a portal open which sucked them back to their homeworld in the fifth dimension.

3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? i've been using pictures like this as my desktop wallpaper lately, but i rarely if ever download anything to my computer - i hate mp3s because i am ancient and primitive and refuse to embrace current technology, you see.

4. What's your favorite restaurant chain? chipotle burritos (do these exist outside of chicago?) - even though their interpretation of "just a pinch of hot sauce" equals a heaping ice cream scoop full of molten lava chilli pepper paste.

5. Last time you swam in a pool? does the gene pool count?

6. Have you ever been in a school play? my first role was as a baby bear in kindergarten. my last role was "montano" in a campus production of "othello". if anyone knows of a director putting together a production of "othello" comprised entirely of people in bear suits, let me know and i'll throw together some headshots.

7. How many kids do you want? i have enough guilt to peddle to dozens of offspring, so the sky's the limit.

8. Type of music you dislike most? the kind where some underweight lady in versace knock-off clothes and a giant hairdo opens her mouth really wide and goes "AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!" to sappy karaoke ballad music.

9. Are you registered to vote? hellz yeah.

10. Do you have cable? yes, but the dirty channels are still deliciously encoded so i still get to enjoy my scramble porn. i find pornography to be so much more engaging when you don't know what you're looking at. "i think that's a nipple. oh, wait, no - that's a lamp."

11. Have you ever ridden on a moped? i've moped a lot - in fact, i'm moping right now. but i don't think that's what's being asked.

12. Ever prank call anybody? yes. we found someone in the phone book named "harry heiny" and we called and a woman answered and said "HEINIES" and we just laughed like beavis and butthead and hung up on her.

13. Ever get a parking ticket? no, but i think it would be cool if i did, considering i don't have a car. maybe i'll drag my sofa to a metered parking space and see if i can get my furniture ticketed.

14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? oh hell, why not. just tie me to a rock and throw me in a canyon.

15. Furthest place you ever traveled? the bathroom

16. Do you have a garden? yes, and it grows on the inside of my shower curtain. i would like to get one of those crystal gardens that grow in a fishtank.

17. What's your favorite comic strip? Drinky Crow

18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem? oh probably not, i suck with anything that has to be memorized. if my patriotism is judged by my talent for rote memory, you might as well just tie me to a pole and set me on fire now.

19. Bath or Shower, morning or night? is this a KISS lyric?

20. Best movie you've seen in the past month? SHUT YOUR DIRTY LITTLE MOUTH. (hey, what's wrong? come back! that was the name of the movie! honest!)

21. Favorite pizza topping? nobody offers artichoke hearts as pizza toppings anymore, and that truly saddens me.

22. Chips or popcorn? popcorn makes me feel gross, but then so do chips. i went through a pretzel thing this past summer, but i think i'm back to the big cheap thick corn chips in the green bag that i always get.

23. What color lipstick do you usually wear? white.

24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells? only when i can find really good shit.

25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? every day of my life is a beauty pageant.

26. Orange Juice or apple? i like that heavy silty apple cider, yum yum yum.

27. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine? if i told you, the people i work for would have to kill you. oops, already said too much. it's been nice knowing you.

28. Favorite type chocolate bar? i like to wallow in bed after dumping a whole bag of hersheys miniatures all over my chest, so i can pick 'em off my belly and stuff the wrappers in my pillowcase for safe-keeping until i get in the mood to lick off the excess chocolate later on.

29. When was the last time you voted at the polls? the last prezzy-dental election. i voted in brooklyn, just down the street from where i lived. i've yet to vote in chicago.

30. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato? is this a dirty question? gross

31. Have you ever won a trophy? i've posed for trophies, does that count?

32. Are you a good cook? i boil a bad-ass ramen.

33. Do you know how to pump your own gas? the bus driver never lets me fill 'er up.

34. Ever order an article from an infomercial? i wanted a turbie twist but my friends talked me out of it because i had such short hair. of course, now that i'm letting it grow out, i could really use one of them turbie twists...damn stupid friends.

35. Sprite or 7-up? 7-up and tomato soup always cures me of the flu. always.

36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work? gross

37. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy? DiCoLem and tee-pee.

38. Ever throw up in public? i almost did once a couple of years ago but all i did was double over outside a 7-11 and go "bleeehhhh....bleeeehhhhh" - kinda like that justin timberlake video.

39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love? love's cheap, give me money.

40. Do you believe in love at first sight? yes, and i also believe in crab lice.

41. Ever call a 1-900 number? there was that one time when mtv had a contest to be prince's date to the premiere of "under the cherry moon" and i kept calling and my MOM kept calling and my MOM'S BOYFRIEND kept calling because they all wanted me to win, never mind the fact that i was a 15-year-old boy. hey, whatever works. lord knows i was cuter than the person who won the contest, whom i tried to google for your scopophilic pleasure, but all i found was a really cute picture of the love midget himself.

42. Can ex's be friends? only with the help of peabo bryson.

43. Who was the last person you visited in a Hospital? my friend lizzard, last summer. it was kinda serious but kinda not. we had a lot of laughs.

44. Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby? i was told that i was the only baby my doctor had ever seen with full bush and chest hair.

45. What message is on your answering machine? it's brief and chirpy and to the point, and completely defies my true personality.

46. What's your all time favorite Saturday Night Live Character? - that's crazy talk.

47. What was the name of your first pet? chirpy

48. What is in your sidebag? book, spiral notebook, plastic portfolio thingie full of writing clips, resumes, and other job-getting things, discman, little travel book thingie full of cds, pen, umbrella, copy of bitch magazine

49. Favorite thing to do before bedtime? sob uncontrollably; set alarm.

50. What is one thing you are grateful for today? that i have enough change for pop tarts and a diet coke