THE GREAT GADFLY:

Ballad Of The Sad Fattie

O I am so glad it is winter.

O how I love those short little squints of daylight and those long, long stretches of freezy darkness.

O what joy I embrace when I cast away my summer appetite ("just a salad, please - I couldn't possibly eat anything fried in this humidity") and accept fullheartedly a case of The Sad Winter Fatties ("maybe if I weren't such a porker and could fit out of my apartment without a crane, I could go buy some more pastries and I wouldn't be laying in bed scraping the chocolate off the Suzy Q wrapper with my teeth...oh well, I should work on my Christmas card list anyway...except my fingers have gotten too fat to hold a pen...sigh...")

O how my loved ones delight in getting my Christmas cards, complete with chocolatey finger smudges adorning the envelopes!

O the warmth it brings to my faintly-beating heart when I cannot get to sleep each night nor wake up each morning, because the usual sleepy-time chemicals produced by my body have been replaced by delicious winter crystal meth.

O how I adore losing all traces of skin color (except perhaps GREY).

O winter, my precious, precious beast - I am your chunky, washed-out, listless, haggard lover. The purple rings around my eyes are valentines to your frosty butterfly kisses.

Hoka hey! Bring on the swiss rolls! Bring on the nutty bars! Bring on the CAKE.

'Tis true - Fattie's got the Seasonal Affective Disorder....

....and Fattie knows where your refrigerator is located.

O FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS, LOCK THY DOORS.