THE GREAT GADFLY:

Party Gone Out Of Bounds



The usual Friday Five seems to have mutated horribly this week, or at least Tuffy would have me believe. Sucker that I am, however, ya give me a questionnaire and, good grief almighty, I gives yez the answers just like the slobberin' Pavlov doggie I am....

The Friday One Hundred

1. Are you an innie or an outie? I yam a ninny.

2. Have you ever worn bell-bottoms? I had a really horrendous pair of hand-me-down (I think) bell-bottoms that my mama gev me when I was a wee sprout. They had, like, butterflies or dragons or some weird shit stitched on the bells. Or the bottoms. Or whatever you call that part of the pants. Cuffs? I didn't mind the stitching but I hated wearing them big loose pants. I felt like Chewbacca or a mastadon or something.

3. Have you ever written a song? Why, yes I have. I have written and recorded songs. And they were very, very bad. Sample titles: "I Wanna Be A Non-Conformist (Just Like You)" and "Meat Is Murder, She Wrote". Leonard Cohen I ain't.

4. Can you make change for a dollar right now? Honey, I can hardly make peace with a dollar right now. And change comes from within.

5. Have you ever been in the opposite sex's public toilet? Yes, gawddammit, and quite frankly I'm APPALLED at how much better the ladies have it than the gentlemen. Women get little sofas. Men get urinals. I want a pee sofa too! WHERE'S MY PEE SOFA?!

6. Have you ever smelled your own feet? I don't really like feet. I keep my feet clean so I don't have to deal with them.

7. Do you like ketchup on or beside your french fries? Beside. I'm a very OCD eater. I demand order on my plate, and that's just how it goes. One exception: Pomme Frites in the East Village. I will slob out there, because the only other option is to have my condiments dripped into those little tiny paper cups, and those won't do at all.

8. Can you touch your tongue to your nose? I bet I could touch my tongue to YOUR nose, ho ho haw....!

9. Have you ever been a boy/girl scout? I was supposed to, but when there was an introductory meeting for the parents my mom threw a stink over some ideological gross thing (no, not the gay thing, you sillies, probably something religious) and my mama wound up storming out and she told me I couldn't be a boy scout and I'd thank her one day, which, well, I guess I do - though I can't tie a decent knot to save my life.

10. Have you ever broken a mirror? I can't remember when I have, but who hasn't, really?

11. Have you ever put your tongue on a frozen pole? Yes, but once I got to lickin', he warmed right up, ho ho HAW!

12. What is your biggest pet peeve? People who are flagrantly slow and in the way. And then, people who chew with their mouths open.

13. Do you slurp your drink after it�s gone? Only if it's an alcoholic drink. Then I lick the inside of the glass just to make sure I got it all. And I chew the ice cubes, just in case.

14. Have you ever blown bubbles in your milk? Ewww, I don't have any weird fetishes about Michael Jackson's monkey and I don't know what you're referring to when you talk about "my milk", but this question is gross and I will not answer it. Nasty!

15. Would you rather eat a Big Mac or a Whopper? Hi. I'm a vegetarian. Nice to meet ya.

16. Have you ever gone skinny-dipping? No, but every time I open the refrigerator door I go fattie-dipping.

17. When you are at the grocery store, do you ask for paper or plastic? I don't pay attention - they spin my groceries in a fine silk cocoon, for all I know.

18. True or False: You would rather eat steak than pizza. I don't like these meat questions. Though, hey, I make a mean portobello steak - the secret is fennel.

19. Did you have a baby blanket? I'm sure I did, but I don't remember it. Actually, I don't think I DID have a baby blanket. I've never liked lots of fabrics on me - hence the bellbottoms hatred.

20. Have you ever tried to cut your own hair? I've shaved my own head a few times and I've engaged in tragic experiments with my own sideburns, but other than that, I know better than to fuck with the coif.

21. Have you ever sleepwalked? I've been sleepwalking for over a year and a half now, non-stop, day in and day out. How's that for drama?

22. Have you ever had a birthday party at McDonalds? Yes, my 32nd birthday party. I didn't invite anybody and they made me leave because I wouldn't put out my cigarette.

23. Can you flip your eye-lids up? Yes and it grosses people out to the extent that I can chase them out of a room. It's a great talent.

25. If you could be any age, what age would you be? I think I'd be 45, cuz I'd either be done with all the liminal shit of being in my '30s, or else I'd be used to a crappy life and kicking it Bukowski-style in a haze of gin and bad television.

26. Have you ever gotten gum stuck in your hair? No. Even at an early age: Nobody. Ever. Touches. The. Hair.

27. Have you ever thrown-up after a roller coaster ride? No but I've been thrown up on, and once I gave myself a bloody nose when my head smacked against the handrail. That was pretty.

28. What is your dream car? Since I don't really like driving cars, I'll go with a landspeeder from Star Wars. And, oh, Vespas are pretty and I don't care if they're precious and I don't care that they aren't cars.

29. What is your favorite cartoon of all time? I wish they'd play the old Ralph Bakshi Mighty Mouse cartoons. Them was the shitses.

30. Would you go swimming in shallow waters where, one year earlier, a shark had attacked a child? I would, uh - well, that is..um. Wait. What?

32. Have you ever eaten a dog biscuit? Of course I have. I don't think it was made out of real dog, though.

33. If you were in a car sinking in a lake, which would you do first? Die.

34. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Thank gooniss, no.

35. Can you pick something up with your toes? I deny the existence of my toes. Toes gross me out. So, I dunno, I guess I can. Sure. Ick.

36. How many remote controls do you have in your house? Too damn many for a studio apartment where anything electronic I own is like two steps away from my bed.

37. Have you ever fallen asleep in school? Hell, I've PASSED OUT in school. Several times.

38. How many times have you flown in an airplane in the last year? At least three times.

39. How many foreign countries have you visited? Other than Indiana, none.

40. If you were out of shape, would you compete in a triathlon if you were somehow guaranteed to win a big, gaudy medal? What do you mean "if"? And could I do the triathalon in one of those senior citizen golf cart "Jazzy" things? If so, then sure. Let me go pack a cooler.

41. Would you rather be rich and unhappy, or poor and happy? Poor and happy gets old quick.

42. If you fell into quicksand, would you try to swim or try to float? I'd sing as much of the Hunky Dory album as I could before I got gobbled up by the sand. What IS quicksand, anyway?

44. Do you ask for directions when you are lost? Yes, but I always opt to go into a store or a gas station or something, rather than terrorizing some poor person on the street at random.

45. Have you ever had a Mexican jumping bean? It's a maggot.

46. Are you more like Cinderella or Alice in Wonderland? I'm that squealing baby that turns into a pig and runs away.

47. Would you rather have an ant farm with no ants or a box of crayons with broken points? The ant farm with no ants. For personal reasons. Never you mind.

48. Do you prefer light or dark bread? Light rye is yum.

49. Do you prefer scrambled or fried eggs? I prefer my eggs on drugs.

50. Have you ever been in a car that ran out of gas? Literally or metaphorically?

51. Do you talk in your sleep? I coo.

52. Would you rather shovel snow or mow the lawn? Whatever happened to living in a state of nature, I ask you?

53. Would you rather be bitten by a poisonous snake or constricted by a python? Thanks for putting Bell Biv Devoe's "Poison" in my head. You know how long it'll take to get that out of my noggin? Ouch.

54. Have you ever played in the rain? Yeah, but nobody showed up. They said it was because of the rain but I think it was because of my crappy songwriting.

55. Which do you think is more dangerous: an angry bear or a hungry white shark? Sharks don't eat people. But then, neither do bears. We're too salty. But bears aren't as stupid as sharks. So I'd say sharks.

56. Would you climb a very high tree to save a kitten? Oh, there's a lot I would do for the welfare of a kitten.

57. Can you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? One you see after a while, and one you see later.

58. Do you drink Pepsi or Coke? I'm a whore for the DiCoLem.

59. What�s your favorite number? Either three or ten.

60. If you were a car, would you be an SUV or a sports car? Gross. I'd be a Chevette covered in stoopid bumper stickers like "Visualize Whirreled Peas" and "Dyslexics Untie!".

61. Have you ever accidentally taken something from a hotel? A nasty case of scabies, perhaps.

62. Would you blow your nose at the dinner table? A couple of weekends I had to because I ate a violently, and I mean not-funny-violently, hot hot HOT pepper and ooze just POURED from every hole in my head like I was a gawddam aqueduct, so I had to stop them leaks up somehow and I covered my face in the napkin and when I removed it, all the snot and goo made a stain on the napkin like the Shroud of Turin. It was so cool, except for the fact that my biscuits kept burnin' all weekend, if yez know what I mean.

63. Have you ever slipped in the bathtub? No, but my friend Neen did just recently and busted hisself up pretty bad. I wish he were independently wealthy so he could hire me as his psychiatric nurse and I could feed him fit medicine and put Rubbermaid daisies in his tub. Alas, such is not the case.

64. Do you use regular or deodorant soap? Deodorant soap turns my skin to bubble wrap. I use a citrus-based clear soap with, like, tea leaf essence or some shit. It reeks of limes and I likes it.

65. Have you ever locked yourself out of the house? Yes, and I think I've finally traumatized myself into a place where I NEVER forget my keys anymore. Knock on head.

66. Would you rather make your living as a singing cowboy or as one of the Simpson�s voices? Singing cowboy, natch.

67. If you could invite any movie star to your home for dinner, who would it be? I just read a really awesome article about Michael Caine, but clearly my choice would be Crispin Hellion Glover.

68. Have you ever gotten a truck driver to honk his horn? Back when I was touring with Aerosmith's groupie corps, I had this trick I did with a bagel that actually used to get quite a few truck drivers to...oh, wait. Never mind. Just you never mind.

69. Which would you rather live with: a huge nose or crossed eyes? Huge noses are HOT. Two words for ya: Adrien Brody.

70. Would you hang out with someone your best friend didn�t like? Oh gawd, that's the secret ingredient of my social life, didn't you know?

71. Would you hang out with someone your best friend liked, but you didn't like? I find that people that I like that my friends don't like are issues of resentment, whereas the times where I have to hang out with people I don't like who are friends of my friends, it's more of a matter of dull dread. Did that make sense? I'm such a bitch. Fuck Ishmael: Call me Brenda.

72. Have you ever returned a gift? I've returned far too many gifts in my life.

73. Would you give someone else a gift that had been given to you? I'm trying to detatch from the pressure of giving gifts when you don't know what to give someone, because you always wind up giving them something stupid and feeling like a troll, after racking your brain trying to come up with something passable that never passes at all. I'm either really good with gifts or really, REALLY bad. But gifts I get, no matter how lame or bizarre, are kinda embued with a sacred energy to me, and I can't pass 'em off to someone else. That's just me being weird, though.

74. If you could attend an Olympic Event, what would it be? The electric luge-in-a-briefcase/rocket bugging event. I'd cheer for the British girl sponsored by Nokia.

75. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Six, maybe? Not a lot.

76. If your grandmother gave you a gift that you already have, would you tell her? I would, but I'm good at making it sound appreciative. "You know, I already have this, but I love the one I have! It's a shame - you should keep it for yourself, it's really nice! No, no, that's okay..."

77. Do you sing in the car? I like to scream tonelessly out the windows. And the world, I am sure, thanks me profusely.

78. Would you rather jump into a dumpster or into a vat of honey? I would rather jump into a dumpster with Courtney Love or I would rather jump into a vat of honey with, umm....oh, heck, why not, I'd jump in a vat of honey with Ms. Love too - either way, I'd be in for some art.

79. What is your favorite breed of dog? I'm not a dog person, though I like chihuahuas and little fragile trembly dogs. Basically, if a cat can beat up a dog, then that's the kind of dog I like.

80. Would you donate money to feed starving animals in the winter? When it comes time for Secret Santa at work, I always make my gift request to be a donation to the ASPCA. So I get to be a cheepskate and not pay for my altruism, and I get to feel good about it and get good workplace cred at the same time. Ain't I smart?

81. If you were a bicycle, would you be a stingray or a mountain bike? I'd be one of them caterpillar hot-wheel things with the blue plastic bowler hat - they always break and look skanky after a summer.

82. What is your least favorite fruit? That guy on Will and Grace.

83. What kind of fruit have you never had? There are more varieties of pears than I have time to try. I loves me some pears, though. Maybe I'll have a little pear party sometime.

84. If you won a $5,000 shopping spree to any store, which store would you pick? Knee-jerk answer: GET THEE TO THE WRECKA STOW!!! Sensible answer: I'd go somewhere that sells socks and underwear and stock up for life. But it wouldn't hurt if this store also sold cool CDs. Hmmm. There's a business itch just waiting to be scratched...if they sold socks and underwear at your fave record store, would you have a fresher, newer, cleaner collection of unmentionables? I probably would. Meanwhile, my tighty whities are turning into unintentional thongs. Grey ones. Eww.

85. What brand sports apparel do you wear the most? What's sports? What's apparel? I wear tube socks sometimes.

86. Are/were you a good student? I HATED school. I was a horrible student. Just horrible.

87. Among your friends, who could you arm wrestle and beat? Probably my friend Lizard, cuz she'd just stop mid-way and say "I don't really....like?....arm wrestling?" Then go off and read a magazine.

88. If you had to choose, what branch of the military would you be in? Those one sailor people so I could be mean and sexy and get an anchor tattoo.

89. Would you ever parachute out of a plane? Oh, whatever, you gotta simultaneously snap both of your legs like twigs SOMETIME in life, and better that particular fate than, like, Paulie Walnuts or something.

90. What do you think is your best feature? My thick, lustrous hair.

91. If you were to win a Grammy, what kind of music would it be for? Post-modern caterwauling.

92. What is your favorite season? It's taken me years to say this, but: Summer.

93. How many members do you have in your immediate family? Three. Mama, Grammaw and me.

94. Which of the five senses is most important to you? I can't answer this.

95. Would you be a more successful painter or singer? Painter so I could suffer and be unappreciated and poor and hungry and they can make a movie of my life.

Hey, where�s number 96? I don't know.

97. How many years will/did you end up going to college? Four and a half.

98. Have you ever had surgery? Do ass implants count?

99. Would you rather be a professional figure skater or professional football player? I don't really like sports, so if I have to be miserable and choose one or the other, I might as well choose the football thing so I can at least not be half-assed miserable or have to deal with that Rudy Galindo or Elvis Pachinko or Tanya Harding or...who ARE those people?

100. What do you like to collect? Anything but moss, luv.

MEANWHILE: HooooDAWGIE, count my ranty ass IN!!! (Thankees for the heads-up, Temek.


2003-10-14 - Last Haiku
2003-10-09 - Don't Cry Out Loud
2003-10-09 - Sit Down, You're Making Me Nervous
2003-10-08 - I'm Sure Miss Thing, I'm Sure
2003-10-07 - Carbonated Water, Caramel Color, Aspartame

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