THE GREAT GADFLY:

Dye Job

October 11, 2001 (PU) - A Chicago area man pictured himself in Feria this afternoon, resulting in what has been reported by onlookers as "rich, luminous hair".

The suspect, whose name has not been released at this time, was said to be "tired of the same crappy hair" and wanted some of what is being called "pizzazz."

"Without going into incriminating details, he wanted style and convenience," said Officer Abner Puddles of the Chicago Police Department's Hair Crimes Unit. "Most people who fit this young man's profile simply go for the usual wash and set. Clearly, this came as a bit of a jolt."

The suspect, who opted for the "French Roast" shade of the Feria hair coloring product line, was seen earlier today at the Walgreen's hair care aisle, perusing various dyes and bleaches.

Walgreen's employee Belinda Pampers sold the area resident the fateful Feria. "He also bought a tub of those moist aloe ass-wipes," she said. "And they weren't even the Quilted Northern brand. They were the cheap ones. I think that says a lot about his booty hygiene, don't you?"

Neighbors from all reaches of the gentleman's home made note of this Feria incident, and the neighborhood precinct crime watch switchboard "lit up like a god-damn Christmas tree," allged switchboard operator Melba Cotton. "No smoke break for me today, needless to say. The little bastard."

"I could tell from down the block that he had them dazzling highlights and lustrous texture," said neighbor Sadie Scheepig. "I always thought he might be a sex offender."

The suspect, who is currently being held without bond in hair detention, is said to have issued only one statement in response to his dazzlingly fateful actions: "BEYONCE MADE ME DO IT."

More details as this story develops (which should take approximately 25 minutes, with a quick rinse to follow).